Psychedelic attachment theory

I am going to share a story with you. And then I am going to explain what was, for me, the most important part of my PhD research: what I have called psychedelic attachment theory. If you find it insightful, please share it with others, and help to support my work.

The below is an excerpt from Chapter 6 of my PhD dissertation, “Community medicine: Abolitionist worldbuilding among drug use liberation activists on Turtle Island.” The full dissertation is available by email request for students, academics and activists. For the public, I made it into a YouTube video, or you can purchase it here.

“The plants told us so”

The front of the medicine ceremony room was set up with instruments: drums, flutes, a harp, a handpan, a zither, shakers, singing bowls, chimes, charango guitar, an enormous gong. I found Elena, the main guide, to be somewhat intimidating. She is not warm and fuzzy, the way I realized I subconsciously expected her to be. She is kind, but I found her calm, straightforward, standoffish energy activating to my insecure, people-pleasing instincts. But she came highly recommended by two different people I trust deeply, so I trusted her. I felt embarrassed when I realized that I wanted her to like me.

Elena shared with us the highly labour-intensive process of preparing the medicine. She spoke about her relationship with the Indigenous teachers who showed her how to make it. She lived and studied with them full-time for a decade before beginning to guide others. She maintains an ongoing, reciprocal relationship to them still today.

“People ask my teachers, how did your people figure out how to make this medicine?” she said. The silence deepened as we listened. “They simply say, ‘the plants told us so.’”

Sage smoke hangs thick in the air, moving softly in the low light. Madre, the plant spirit, comes into us. Her arrival is an explosion of universal oneness in my body.

We journey. The icaros, the medicine songs, shift and change. Sometimes the guides are singing to the plant spirits, asking them to come help us, to cleanse us, to heal us. Sometimes they are singing about the sweet medicine, linda medicina. Sometimes they are prayers—to Grandmother Moon, to Grandfather Sun, to Madre, to water, to our mothers and grandmothers. They feel ancient. Soul music, passed down through how many hundreds or thousands of years, speaking to the connection between ourselves and the earth, a connection that is hanging by a thread, having been hacked at with steel swords and guns and greed like an old growth cedar. But it’s impossible to sever the connection entirely while we still exist as a species. We are of the earth, we need her. While we’re alive, the connection remains, because once it’s severed, we all die. We cannot eat steel. As the sound of the drums pulses through me, I linger on a memory of the words of John O’Donohue, Irish Celtic philosopher and poet:

“The first sound that every human hears is the sound of the mother’s heartbeat in the dark lake water of the womb. This is the reason for our ancient resonance with the drum as a musical instrument. The sound of the drum brings us consolation because it brings us back to that time when we were at one with the mother’s heartbeat. That was a time of complete belonging. No separation had yet opened; we were completely in unity with another person.” (O’Donohue 1997)

I feel like I’m being crushed by the sun. I am an animal when I am purging, no thoughts, no past, no future, only the present. Releasing blocks, releasing demons.

I grope around for my bucket. I can’t find it. “Have you seen my bucket?” I whisper to Joe, who is lying beside me. I’m handed a very heavy bucket, much heavier than I’d remembered. “Um, it’s our bucket now,” he says sheepishly through the dark. We both start giggling, then laughing, and are shushed by one of the guides.

I want to get back to the joyful, silly person I am when I’m thriving. I’ve been trapped in a dark storm of fear and resentment and frustration, chained in by my pain, by the ways I can see and feel systems of hierarchical power everywhere. Adding ethnographic training onto neurodivergent sensitivity was a hell of a life choice.

Suddenly, I am not thinking about pain—I am feeling it, with monstrous intensity. It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. My whole body, wracked with it. Like my bones are being torn apart. I am writhing in my sleeping bag, I want to scream. Surrender to her, I think. The pain disappears, and all my molecules are scattered throughout the universe.

At one point, I sit bolt upright. I get on my hands and knees, shaking my body. I am moaning. Movement, I need movement. I’m always sitting, lying down, afraid, frozen, hiding, calcifying: the “disembodied subjugation” (Brunette-Debassige 2018:200) of colonial survival. I put my elbows to the floor and shake my hips like I’m in labour, the labour I never had the terrible, beautiful fortune of experiencing. Both my babies were C-section births. The doctors injected me with fentanyl for the operations, the same medicine others struggle to safely access to treat their own pain. So much violence is used to stop people from accessing pain relief.

I see death and destruction. Poison coursing through the whole world. The drive to accumulate more power and money, that most destructive of all addictions, is a sickness rooted in fear. It’s a sickness that’s covered the world, and it’s about to kill us all if we don’t heal and become a collective again. The collective includes nonhuman species, as well as more-than-human entities and spirits (Lutkajtis 2020; Williams et al. 2022). To decolonize is to rebuild relationality through practice, to understand and respect the role of each part of the spiritual and physical ecosystem in which we are embedded, including our own role as caretakers and stewards (Kimmerer 2013). Anthropologists are incredibly well-positioned to help with the work of knowledge translation between cultures with these traditions, and settler colonial cultures, yet as a whole we remain lost in a forest of Eurocentric theorizing (Todd 2016) and dissociative labour. Anthropologists know so many different ways of being human, we can speak to settlers, we have amassed a wealth of Indigenous knowledges (sometimes unethically, further behooving our duty to make amends)—we could be doulas for the birth of this new world, if we choose to be.

The storm I feel inside becomes visualized. Storms come with rain, and rain is what makes things grow—water is life (Estes 2024). Strong winds clear out older, weaker trees to make room for new growth. Stop fighting it and listen. Listen to your body. You were trained to ignore it, it’s time to listen.

At one point, Elena has us all sing. Our voices grow stronger as we find the rhythm, become the lyrics. The words etch themselves into my heart, carving the ethos on the tree of my soul: “Together, together, together, together. Together we go further, together we are one.”

* * *

In the morning, everyone shared gratitude to the group for each others’ stories and for co-creating the healing space, expressing how grateful they felt to be in a room where everyone could be open, honest and vulnerable. This vulnerability and reciprocal communal care emerged as an essential part of the healing process. Through it, the individual is contextualized as part of a gestalt, something larger, more humble, and more whole—more human.

We closed the circle by singing one uniting note, and went to feast together. I spent the day napping, journalling, walking in the woods, and carefully avoiding my phone. I worried the long walk I took might leave my energy more drained for the evening’s work, but I felt rejuvenated by the snow, the trees, and the silence. I thought of Boris saying “silence is the medicine.” The affective porosity of the ceremony had allowed wisdom from him and everyone else to seep into my being.

Psychedelic attachment theory

We pack up to leave from the medicine retreat, sharing food and reflections and collectively helping to clean up the cabin. Thinking about relationality, in a moment of revelation, I suddenly understand so clearly why Elena is an excellent guide. The very same calm, standoffish—almost cold, if you’re insecure—demeanor that was so unexpected to me, is essential for an effective healing experience of this intensity. It’s not by accident that she maintains a respectful distance. There is deep healing work happening here in these ceremonies, and—to use a Western neuroscientific framing—psychedelics work on the brain in ways that create neural connections that do not exist naturally after childhood. They “reduce the stability and integrity of well-established brain networks … and simultaneously reduce the degree of separateness or segregation between them” (Carhart-Harris et al. 2016:4857). As such, Western scholars have suggested that the therapeutic value of psychedelics lies in “dismantling reinforced patterns of negative thought and behavior by breaking down the stable spatiotemporal patterns of brain activity on which they rest” (Carhart-Harris et al. 2014:14). Essentially, your brain is temporarily turned, functionally, into that of a child—open, curious, playful, vulnerable, a wide funnel for sensory input. The stories of psychedelic experiences that I collected often include descriptions of being in a child-like or even baby-like state. Psychedelics thus create an environment in the mind, body and spirit that can facilitate an incredible shortcut to healing, under the right conditions of intention, mindset, setting, dose, and guidance or co-journeying. “Ten years of therapy in a night,” is a common phrase people said about traditional plant medicine ceremonies during my fieldwork.

The other side of the coin, however, is that a person under the influence of psychedelic medicine is very vulnerable, and that can expose them to the potential for harm. Many people have been harmed within psychedelic therapy practices, especially when they are decontextualized from holistic ritual contexts, “not only by therapists, but also by the system that is failing to respond, much less account for their actions or assist those who have been abused” (Villeneuve and Prescott 2022). Despite whisper networks of women regularly sounding the alarms of abuse, harm has even happened within clinical research trials (Ross and Wright 2022), with those who have attempted to speak up about power dynamics and bad actors within the psychedelic movement being professionally and personally punished for it (Ross and Nickles 2021).

As unresolved trauma can interfere with the resilience, flexibility, and openness to interpersonal vulnerability so essential to movement-building, as well as the health, stability and well-being of activists, healing is a crucial component of this worldbuilding. This is the core of what I have termed psychedelic attachment theory. In self-aware contexts that are contained within holistic ritual, power imbalances between the guide and participant, the participant and nature/the spirit world, and the participant and their community, can be used to create a profound sense of healing when the vulnerable person is protected and cared for by the guide, spirits, and community throughout the entire experience (including the preparations and rituals before and after consumption of the medicine, such as the sharing circle), replicating the sense of safety that can be fostered through the parent-child relationship when the child is cared for. This is what I saw as a key part of healing within psychedelic contexts.[1] There is a power imbalance in the psychedelic guide/participant relationship, as the experience involves deep physical and emotional vulnerability. But in appropriately prepared and contextualized decolonial settings, that power imbalance is consented to ahead of time, contingent on attuned care, mitigated somewhat by the guide’s own participation in the vulnerable act of consumption and sharing, directed intentionally towards the goal of building healthy autonomy and relationality, and subject to community sanction if misused. In this environment, people with severe attachment trauma from experiences of violence and neglect find themselves opening up and being nurtured by the medicine, in an atmosphere of emotional, physical, and spiritual safety built and maintained by the guides. I spoke about this with the guide Dana:

To understand the increased vulnerability, for better or worse, of people who are under the influence of psychedelics, a brief overview of attachment theory—as a metaphor to aid understanding, not as a diagnostic tool—is helpful. Attachment theory is a framework developed within psychology which posits that early relationships with caregivers shape an individual’s emotional development and capacity for forming secure, stable relationships throughout life (O’Shaughnessy et al. 2023). Within this theory, different attachment styles are identified—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized, with the latter three understood as insecure—which influence resilience and how people respond to intimacy, stress, and conflict. Secure attachments, formed through consistent and responsive caregiving from primary attachment figures, promote emotional resilience, while insecure attachments, formed through inconsistent, absent or abusive caregiving, can lead to trauma and difficulties in relationships and emotional self-regulation. Psychotherapist Jessica Fern (2020) expanded on this theory, challenging the disproportionate emphasis on parental figures (and romantic partners in adulthood) to create a “nested model of attachment and trauma” which includes attachment impacts at the levels of the home, local community and culture, society, and the global or collective, which is an important expansion towards politicizing the theory and resisting the neoliberal individualization tendencies of Western psychology.

Though, again, my use of attachment theory is not to make any judgements about its universal validity or specific therapeutic utility, it is a useful lens through which to communicate about and understand my ethnographic data and psychedelic healing experiences. That said: Within this theory, inherent to the attachment relationship in childhood is the vulnerability of being completely dependent for survival on one’s attachment figures. Especially in the normalized social context of the nuclear family, children are not able to leave attachment figures that are emotionally or physically neglectful or abusive, as they rely on the harmful figure for survival. This creates ‘disorganized attachment,’ where they simultaneously are drawn towards, and are afraid of, an attachment figure, with no way of reconciling this somatic contradiction (often leading to adaptations such as dissociation, fawning, or other survival strategies that involve denial of the embodied self). Similarly, when considering Fern’s nested model, dependence on a structure much larger and more powerful than oneself (such as carcerality, white supremacy, patriarchy, etc.), which is the only structural ‘home’ one knows, may be understood to create a type of ‘disorganized attachment’ in which one feels dependent on the very thing that is causing one harm. I suspect this may explain why it is so profoundly difficult to shake people out of prohibitionist or capitalist realism: attachment to the stability of and myths behind one’s social structures represents some amount of perceived safety, so challenges to those ideas are felt in the body as survival threats. As Jonathan Metzl (2019) has shown, some people are willingly ‘dying of whiteness,’ taking on bodily harm to avoid the terrifying foundational restructuring that divesting from attachment to racial resentments would require. Harm alone, even grievous capitalist harms in the form of denied coverage for cancer treatments, rising sea levels, police violence, mass shootings, etc., is not enough to cause a person to abandon a sinking ship—unless there is a life raft for them to swim to. In the face of this “kamikaze necropolitics” (Masco 2023:285), a life raft is exactly what abolitionist worldbuilders are trying to create.

H: It’s incredible, the amount of work that goes into creating that space of safety for people to be vulnerable.

Dana: Yeah, in any kind of healing work, creating a safe and trusted environment is key to having a successful outcome. You know, having your participant feel safe is one way to let one layer come down, so that other layers can be revealed, right? Because we have so many blocks in social situations that in order to get to the core of the matter, you have to be able to feel safe, to let go of a lot to get to that vulnerable place.

However, like with other positions of power such as parents and teachers, this safety and healing requires acknowledgement and understanding on the part of the guide of the power they hold in the relationship, and accounting for that by prioritizing the development of the person they hold power over towards autonomy, community membership, and relationality. In psychedelic healing contexts, facilitating the connection between the participant and the medicine itself—the plant spirit(s)—is crucial. By putting up boundaries, the self-aware guide keeps people focused on the work, the circle, the medicine, the songs, Madre, themselves, the whole experience—not on her. Otherwise, guides can easily take advantage of this power imbalance by emphasizing their own mystical power and leaning into the ‘guru’ potentiality. It could be intoxicating—perhaps even addictive—to have people relying on you, fawning over your glory instead of the earth’s, in tears with gratitude for your help. That kind of power, like any drug, could become its own object of desire. This may especially be the case for Western guides who have not grown up within holistic traditions and teachings that account for these attachment dangers—many ayahuasca and psilocybin mushroom traditions, for example, require abstinence from sexual activity for several days before and after ceremonies (Graham, Saucedo, and Politi 2023; Lutkajtis 2020); this would be a helpful buffer against attaching to a partner during a spiritually and emotionally vulnerable state of liminality. Amazonian shamans also “have to negotiate constantly in order to continue to be considered benevolent actors in the local social relations … Often they have no real power or more resources than anybody else in the community and when they do they are suspected of sorcery” (Fotiou 2016:163-164).

Do a google search for "psytrance" and you'll end up with a lot of this.

So while I expected Elena to be warm, welcoming, comforting, maternal—some strange, embarrassingly revealing combination of attachment wounds, hopes and assumptions on my part about what characteristics a highly-respected trauma healing guide might embody—a guide who carelessly (or, if their aims are malicious, intentionally) leans into those characteristics is also potentially more at risk of placing themselves in the way of psychedelic attachment healing that is dangerously powerful. This can happen by complete accident, be done purposefully in the misguided and egoistic but well-meaning belief that it’s helpful for healing work, or be done intentionally to facilitate abuse. If a person in a psychedelic ceremony ends up associating their healing with the guide instead of the plant spirits and the community, they risk attaching to the guide. Rather than feeling strength, security and confidence in their own inner self and their sacred embeddedness within the collective ecosystem, they can end up feeling like the guide, not the medicine and their own work, is the source of their healing and wholeness. This is especially risky for people with childhood attachment trauma who have never experienced a truly safe, caring parental figure. It creates a vulnerability that can, and has, led to forms of abuse, sometimes extreme (Ross and Wright 2022; Villeneuve and Prescott 2022).

I knew about some of the risks of unscrupulous guides and guidance practices before attending the ceremony in that snow-swept cabin—indeed, years ago, Katie was the first person to warn me about them. Which is why, along with many concerns about cultural appropriation (Fotiou 2016), I was so choosy about finding a guide. But not everyone has the contacts, the knowledge, or the time to be this careful. People are traumatized, and many are desperate to find relief. Psychedelic use has exploded, and along with it, so has commodification, monetization, grifting, exploitation, carelessness, and stripping away of Indigenous context and stewardship (Davies, Pace, and Devenot 2023; Devenot, Conner, and Doyle 2022; Fotiou 2016; Gearin and Devenot 2021; Lutkajtis 2020; Pace and Devenot 2021; Ross and Wright 2022; Villeneuve and Prescott 2022; Williams et al. 2022). This is an unsurprising, but heartbreaking and deeply frustrating, result of psychedelics re-entering the Western mainstream in an era of widespread trauma and hyper-capitalism. In response, “the inclusion of Indigenous Peoples in the propagation and cultivation of plant medicines is a moral imperative” (McCleave et al. 2024:944).

Beyond drugs: Community medicine

I never heard the word ‘drug’ used to refer to psychedelic medicine at any of the retreats that were guided using traditional Indigenous frameworks. And though my radar for psychedelic exceptionalism remains acute, after this first retreat, I understood this better. The word “medicine” does not refer only to the substance itself, but everything about the healing experience as a whole—the ceremony, the connection, the group, the rituals, the music, the songs, the spirits, the relationality, the guidance: it’s all medicine—community medicine.

Working with our inherent porosity by practicing vulnerability is necessary in order to create and shape atmospheres and affects to collectively change the matrix of domination, and psychedelics can turbo-charge collective healing when used in the right environment with the right guidance. Decolonized attachment trauma healing involves connecting to relationality by rebuilding an attachment to the self, to the body, to community, and to the earth. An explicit relationship between decolonization and healing has been seen in many Indigenous psychedelic traditions. Some anthropologists have argued that ayahuasca shamanism in the Amazon has changed to reflect an increased focus on healing in the post-colonial era, in response to the horrors of prolonged suffering from colonizers bent on Christian and rubber extraction (Fotiou 2016; Gow 1994). Iboga, a word deriving from the word boghaga in the Tsogo language meaning “to take care of” (Kohek et al. 2020), has similarly been entwined in the last few centuries since French colonization with cultural responses to West Africans’ “experience of placelessness, of being uprooted, and of being alien in their own land” (Fernandez and Fernandez 2001):

“In the colonial era Bwiti became a context of collective psychological resistance to the anomie and demoralization related to the strain on indigenous community and family institutions. Bwiti offered a dignified realm of spiritual endeavor, ‘the work of the ancestors’ and social cohesion.” (Alper, Lotsof, and Kaplan 2008:10)

Communal healing is thus a crucial component of worldbuilding in this era of Onslaught, and though it does not need to be facilitated with psychedelics, practices must be politicized and decolonized to be effective: engaging with traditional knowledges and medicine-keepers, working against hierarchy, having difficult conversations, experimenting and trying, acknowledging and accounting for power imbalances, fostering healthy autonomy and relationality rather than dependence, a deep engagement with consent—all practices of abolitionist worldbuilding.

Just like humans, the process of healing is messy, and often incomplete. That is part of its beauty. The ritual, guidance, and communal healing involved in decommodified psychedelic use rooted in traditional wisdom can be seen as embodying a contained loss of control, in contrast with the disciplined pleasure of commodified drug use. The ‘container’ for the chaos, created through the rituals, allows for the porous dissolution of the self that is needed for relational healing. It is a testament to the power of these plant medicines that many people have benefited from them even when used outside of traditional or guided contexts, such as at raves and festivals (Agro 2016; Lehigh 2023). However, even non-traditional countercultural use is still usually embedded within cultural and often ritual context (Devenot et al. 2022), as forms of knowledge and practices are shared in communities of drug users and bolstered by particular practitioners in those groups who engage more deeply with writings, practices and teachings about the medicines; as well, raves and festivals involve collective trance states and the guidance of music (Hutson 2000; Jaimangal-Jones, Pritchard, and Morgan 2010). But as powerful as psychedelic medicines are, they cannot reshape society on their own. They cannot make your boss stop sexually harassing you, or keep strangers from calling you racist slurs, or bring your brother back from prison. How can we truly heal when the harm is ongoing?

The limits of individual healing

“When an individual or family in a healthy community experiences trauma, the community can hold the space for healing. But when the trauma happens to the whole community, who holds the space then?” (McCleave et al. 2024:941)

We are living in a constant state of besiegement by pandemics and genocides and overdose crises and lead and microplastics and sexual violence and failing health care systems and the commodification of everything sacred and the reactive lashings out of our panicky, terrified fellow humans: the Onslaught. Under these conditions, collective healing is complicated, but still possible. Childhood wounds can be made whole, stones turned to gold; we can gain incredible strength from community medicine through a connection to the earth and the embodied experience of feeling safe and accepted. Feeling that in one’s body even for a short time can change everything about what seems possible to a person, and how they relate to others, as it is how the fearful body can learn that safety can exist. This is a crucial part of the foundational worldbuilding work of imagining otherwise. But new wounds are constantly created by the day-to-day experience of Mother Earth’s gifts being stolen, commodified, and sold back to us (Kimmerer 2013); being forced to compete with others in order for our basic needs to be met; being alienated from each other; feeling constantly afraid of abandonment and harm if we don’t pay our rent on time or say the right things in our social group or placate people in power. We can feel in our bodies that something is deeply wrong.

However, the primary modes of healing we have access to in the West—the modes which are subsidized and sanctioned by settler colonial governments, and culturally normalized—are highly individualized and medicalized forms of psychiatry and psychotherapy. This is reflected in the current Western trend towards medicalization, both in rhetoric and in practice, of psychedelics, which

“promotes neoliberal, individualised treatments for distress, which distracts from collective efforts to address root causes of suffering through systemic change. [This discourse] subjects socially-determined distress to psychotropic intervention through the mechanisms of depoliticisation, productivisation, pathologisation, commodification, and de-collectivisation” (Davies et al. 2023:1)

The neoliberal “privatization of stress” (Fisher 2009:19) under capitalism puts the onus on the individual to deal with one’s problems, which is antithetical to the communal set and setting that supports healing through traditional medicines and rituals, and not just of the individual body but of the collective body. “The chemico-biologization of mental illness is of course strictly commensurate with its de-politicization” (Fisher 2009:37), a de-politicization which forecloses on political solutions to mental health problems (and indeed, locates these problems solely within the realm of the mind, reifying their separation from the body, spirit, collective, and ecosystem). Fisher argues that poor mental health is a paradigm of how capitalist realism operates: it’s assumed to be a natural fact of existence, but it’s actually a product of the conditions being hidden by the naturalization itself. This creates a situation in which surface-level solutions to treat the symptoms of capitalism and colonialism—including harm reduction, and policy-level interventions like voting reform and police body cams—are presented as cures to the only problems that actually exist. Vanessa spoke to how frustrating it was to be a part of this system:

Vanessa: When I was working as a counselor, it would be like, you help one person. You help them get an apartment. You help them get stabilized, all the rest of it. And then there’s another person with very similar sets of circumstances. We can help individuals. But if the structures aren’t changing, we’re just going to get caught in this continuous loop of doing the same thing over and over again. And so that was frustrating to me.

Thus, though individual and small-group healing is essential, in the context of capitalism and colonialism it can only ever be a patch-kit solution. If the legal commodification of drug production is seen as an acceptable end goal of anti-prohibition efforts, as it is by psychedelic capitalists (Davies et al. 2023; Devenot et al. 2022), the same colonial violence that underlies prohibition will continue, especially as regards labour and environmental exploitation in the Global South. If the people praising and making careers out of the “new psychedelic renaissance” were to engage with decolonial scholarship and praxis, and build solidarity with people who use non-psychedelic medicines and other anti-oppression activists who have been doing this work for decades, they would hopefully feel compelled to take a hard look at the root causes of the trauma that people are seeking to heal with psychedelics in the first place: the matrix of domination (Collins 1990). Reforms and patch-kit solutions “leave the existing colonial power-over structures in place and unchallenged, but they also leave unchallenged the entire history of genocide, theft, betrayal, oppression, and every manner of cruelty and injustice that had become the painful legacy that every Indigenous person, community, and nation now inherit” (McCaslin and Breton 2014:512).

Despite the wishful thinking of many in the world of psychedelics (Davies et al. 2023; Devenot et al. 2022), psychedelics are unfortunately not magic bullets towards universal oneness outside of cultural contexts which explicitly encourage relational values, and they fundamentally change very little about the status quo when they are disseminated and used in a colonial, hierarchical context. We know this because even neo-Nazis are using psychedelics now, and they remain neo-Nazis (Pace and Devenot 2021). “Psychedelia is no antagonist to late capitalism” (Keel 2022:415): Billionaire venture capitalist and surveillance tech mogul Peter Thiel has praised the “virgin market of for-profit psychedelics” (Brodwin 2018), promising to turn psilocybin mushroom rituals into franchised therapy centres.

Given the cultural context of a deeply alienated, white supremacist, and individualistic Western society, it is no surprise that the lack of engagement with the wisdoms of traditional Indigenous and/or counterculturally established spiritual and cultural contexts in Western medicalized psychedelic practice is one of the major red flags that critics of the current corporatized psychedelic ‘renaissance’ have been urgently pointing to (Davies et al. 2023; Devenot et al. 2022; Lutkajtis 2020; Ross and Wright 2022; Villeneuve and Prescott 2022). Currently, the miraculous potential to treat veterans for PTSD is being publicized by psychedelic colonizers with very little discussion of ending the military imperialism that creates the conditions of veterans’ trauma in the first place. There is not much profit in preventative medicine as opposed to remedial medicine because profiteering is antithetical to human and non-human health, but prevention should be the foundation of a holistic approach to healing, as is the way of transformative justice: preventing trauma in the first place is always more effective than treating it. Much like the continued dominance of abstinence-only approaches to drug education despite evidence of their inefficacy (Ennett et al. 1994; Lee and O’Malley 2018; Rosenbaum and Hanson 1998) is based in a kind of denialism—the approach of ‘don’t teach youth about drugs, lest it encourage them to use’ is a denial of the reality that youth are naturally drawn towards consciousness alteration, especially when their lives are difficult and unfulfilling—the remedial approach being taken towards trauma treatment is founded in a denial of the material and resolvable sources of the trauma. I add my voice to a growing number of scholars (e.g. Devenot et al. 2022; Falcon 2021b; Fotiou 2019; Lutkajtis 2020; McCleave et al. 2024; Williams et al. 2022) to argue that researchers have an ethical obligation to contextualize and challenge Western psychedelic scholarship that is conducted without a material engagement with decolonization while sacred Indigenous ecologies are being commodified and exploited, and so many of our siblings are sitting in prison, locked away for producing, selling and consuming the very same medicines (cannabis, mushrooms, etc.) whose potential are currently being praised.

Addressing the root causes of trauma thus requires going deeper than the level of the individual or small groups, and instead looking at the systems of violence themselves. The people who need the most healing might actually be those perpetuating the most harm; people who have self-medicated their fears through the addictive accumulation of power over others. To this end, psychedelic medicines can potentially “serve as decolonial tools for designing consciousness, and thereby assist in reorienting human social and environmental relations toward ontologies of relatedness and interconnectedness” (Falcon 2021:144). This is only possible, however, if Indigenous needs and worldviews are prioritized in scholarship, policy and praxis, including emphasizing the material stakes of decolonization through support of Land Back movements (Tuck and Yang 2012; Williams et al. 2022). “Western worldviews hold that plants are objects to be owned, modified, and patented, versus Indigenous worldviews where plants are our living relatives and cannot be owned because they are interconnected with us all” (McCleave et al. 2024:944).

Tuck and Yang warn against uncritically subsuming decolonization into other organizing concerns, turning anti-colonialism into a metaphor or secondary concern. Decolonization is material—it’s about land: “decolonization specifically requires the repatriation of Indigenous land and life” (Tuck and Yang 2012:17). Arguably, the most effective forms of activism will attempt to resist multiple forms of oppression simultaneously. I can’t help but wonder what might happen if we understood all human and civil rights projects to be impossible without Land Back as a foundational tenet.

The land is alive, and it is not ours. It can and should be stewarded, but it cannot and should not be owned any more than a human can or should be owned. Attempts at controlling, dominating and owning the land that gives us life have mutated into the Onslaught, a void demon of our own colonial making, here to show us that we reap what we sow.

“True listening is worship. With the sense of hearing, we listen to creation. One of the great thresholds in reality is the threshold between sound and silence. All good sounds have silence near, behind and within them” (O’Donohue 1997:70).


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Dr. Hilary Agro is an anthropologist, community organizer and mother of two young munchkins who are currently both obsessed with fart jokes.

References

  • Abu-Lughod, Lila. 1990. “The Romance of Resistance: Tracing Transformations of Power Through Bedouin Women.” American Ethnologist 17(1):41–55.
  • Agro, Hilary. 2016. “Prohibited Practice: Drug Use, Harm Reduction and Benefit Enhancement in Toronto Rave Culture.” University of Western Ontario.
  • Alper, Kenneth R., Howard S. Lotsof, and Charles D. Kaplan. 2008. “The Ibogaine Medical Subculture.” Journal of Ethnopharmacology 115(1):9–24.
  • Brodwin, Erin. 2018. “A Peter Thiel-Backed Startup Has Raised $25 Million to Unleash a ‘Virgin Market of For-Profit Psychedelic Research.’” Business Insider, October.
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  • Estes, Nick. 2024. Our History Is the Future: Standing Rock Versus the Dakota Access Pipeline, and the Long Tradition of Indigenous Resistance. Chicago: Haymarket Books.
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  • Graham, Owain J., Gary Rojas Saucedo, and Matteo Politi. 2023. “Experiences of Listening to Icaros during Ayahuasca Ceremonies at Centro Takiwasi: An Interpretive Phenomenological Analysis.” Anthropology of Consciousness 34(1):35–67.
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  • McCleave, Christine Diindiisi, Susan Beaulieu, Rainbow Lopez, and Joseph Tafur. 2024. “Traditional and Indigenous Perspectives on Healing Trauma With Psychedelic Plant Medicines.” International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction 22(2):938–50.
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[1] This could be seen in less structured contexts as well such as festivals and small-group ‘trips,’ in which the nature and community aspects, remain. Festival environments also facilitate the healing experience through the structuring aspects of dance and music.

We cannot have a rational debate about technology.

Because on the whole, leftists are mostly (and rightfully) not all that excited about AI as it exists today, we are often accused of being luddites or hating technology.* But no, I do like some technology. I’m not against it as a concept. We perfected textiles 4,000 years ago. Then we invented books, and vaccines, and those are great. But almost everything else has been based on increasingly ramped-up environmental destruction and labour exploitation, “solving” individual “problems” that only primarily exist because of colonialism in the first place and which thus cannot be solved through more of the same.

So no, I don’t like the robots. But I want you to understand why.

When we’re faced with accusations oh hating technology, I sometimes see people say “hey, we love technology! We love high speed rail and mRNA vaccines!” And sure, we can take their bait and remain always on the defense, having conversations on their terms. But we also absolutely do not have to fall over ourselves saying that we want to hug and kiss technological progress. The onus is on Tech Bros to explain to us why we should be excited about new technology while there are microplastics in every mother’s breast milk and our rivers are drying up. And that’s what we should be hammering home in all of these conversations: the material reality of electronic technology. (Colonizers answer the question of “what are you going to do with this mass produced product when its usable lifespan is up to ensure it doesn’t poison our children’s environment” challenge, difficulty level: impossible.)

However, this is a wedge subject that I don’t think leftists are having enough hard conversations about. I have close friends for whom so much of their comfort, even their creativity, is based in electronic tech that some don’t really seem able to take a sincere, hard look at the environmental and social consequences of a screen-based society at scale, or at what it might be doing to us to let our joy be mediated by products we’re being sold.

Adding even more discomfort to the situation, this issue connects directly with the other two major wedge issues that are deeply unresolved on the left, which are:

  1. Land back: The return of all land to indigenous stewardship.
  2. Child liberation: The prioritization of the well-being of children, those living now and those to come, in every aspect of society and our daily lives.

I for one, do not find it acceptable that in Canada we churn through plastic at an appalling rate because we’re dazzled by consumer advertising and too depressed to cook or sew, and then we send our garbage to choke the air and waters of children in Malaysia. I do not like that.

I don’t think that children in Vietnam deserve to bear the cost of the addiction to immediate gratification that we’ve been given as a trickle-down result of our overlords’ addiction to power and domination.

I don’t think it’s acceptable that we want new gaming systems, so they get poisoned.

I don’t think it’s acceptable to sidestep environmental concerns in discussions of AI. I think it’s vital to not budge one inch on the requirement that “progress” always be measured first through a sustainability lens, and refuse to have conversations about technological merits until those questions are answered to the satisfaction of those of us who want humanity’s great-grandchildren to survive.

Whenever I’m speaking with a tech-optimist liberal or leftist who is suggesting solutions that require the maintenance, or expansion, of personal devices or computer-based infrastructure (e.g., a new game that teaches people about empathy, or an app that helps people find better housing, or any pro-social use of AI), I cautiously ask some version of these questions: “If your solution requires more technology to be manufactured, what should we do with it when it breaks, to ensure it doesn’t poison the environment? Can we focus on building the recycling infrastructure first to handle more production, before we make new stuff? Whose lands will be mined for the resources? Whose water will be used?”

When I try to talk about this, some people shut down. They downplay and dismiss, and use thought-terminating cliches like “well we can’t just go back to living in caves.” And I don’t even blame them for not wanting to think about it. I’m not trying to shame anyone for having screen-based hobbies or hopes. I’m genuinely trying to have real conversations about this. Disconnected as we are from the Earth, from each other, from ritual and song and tradition and children and elders, we have so little that makes us happy. Capitalism gave us little emotion-regulation boxes made by slaves, and we were in too much generational pain to think about the consequences of outsourcing our emotional well-being to the slave boxes, so now the thought of losing our phones causes more distress in our bodies than a tree being cut down in our neighbourhood or a shipment of electronic waste heading for Indonesia. And as AI companies offer yet another “solution” to our collective alienation—don’t worry about why it’s so difficult to find someone who understands you, just become dependent on the robot, it’ll always be nice to you!—we are too ungrounded from the earth to see that AI is not revolutionary, it’s not a game changer, it’s just more of the same transmutation of the Earth’s resources into dissociation from centuries of colonial trauma. We are collectively making out with a gun to feel better. We are being sold more poison as a cure for the poison.

This is why all my organizing work comes back to healing. We are too traumatized to be in real solidarity with the global south. We cannot actually have rational debates about technology, because our ability to reason is compromised by the fantasy world we live in where the material consequences of our actions don’t exist where we don’t see them. We need to fix our inner shit for those conversations to even be possible. I simply don’t really trust any opinion about the value of technological “progress” that comes from someone addicted to the fruits of capitalist technological progress, any more than I trust a billionaire’s opinion about money or a gambler’s opinion about casinos. If you can’t imagine life without your computer, then you’d better start imagining life where electronics are not produced through exploitation and Congo has complete sovereignty over their mineral production, so we can bring that world into reality.**

As it stands, as long as we’re still clinging to mass-produced trinkets for our sense of stability, we will prioritize those coping mechanisms over the well-being of the world’s children. As long as we rely on screens rather than on forests and sunsets to soothe us, we will fight to defend the screens, not the forests. Whatever you get your comfort from, that is what you will fight to defend.

If AI is your friend and therapist, maintaining that “relationship” is what you are going to centre in these struggles. If screens are our ultimate solace, we’ll let the forests burn. We’re doing it right now. The machine is churning to feed us.

We have got to divest from these poisoned crutches, beloveds.

I am included in this as well. Screens have been my primary addiction for years. PC gaming got me through some very hard times in my youth, when I didn’t have the emotional resources I do now, and I still binge Dropout and Drag Race when I need to rest but don’t have the energy for the truly restorative shit (stretching, drinking tea, journalling, singing). But I know in my heart that screen-based coping mechanisms are a pause button for life, built on our own exploitation and sold back to us, and I feel secure enough now to confront that reality and slowly change through my actions.

Divesting from colonial comforts has been my main motivation and compass for healing over the last decade: to root my sense of self, the groundedness and love and compassion that all my activism and caregiving come from, within nature, the elements, and nature-based spirituality. Nature, the source that unites us all as living creatures on this earth, is the only thing that’s always there for us. Nature will not break up with you, nature will not call the cops on you. Nature will not leave you without entertainment when the wifi isn’t working, she will never lie to or gaslight or manipulate you. Mother Earth is pissed right now, but she will never abandon us, and she will not die before we do. She will be alive as long as you are, because your life depends on hers. She is the only truly safe attachment, the only comfort that is always, always there for us. Those of us who are settlers and immigrants and renters and workers have had our connection to the Earth, our secure attachment, severed, and we’ve been doing a Domination about it for centuries: suffering and looting and pillaging and fighting, trying to fill the void in our hearts that started with internal European colonization and separation from the animist spirituality and philosophies of our ancestors (the ones that lived sustainably with their environment, not the later ones that burned each other at the stake for saying the exact same things I’m saying right now. I know that much of what I’ve said here is probably deeply uncomfortable, so thanks for engaging with it instead of sending an inquisition after me, babes).

We can’t wait for revolution—or god forbid, corporations—to provide us with sustainable comforts. They exist right now, in nature and in our communities: song circles, mediation groups, forests, playgrounds, birdwatching collectives, plant medicines, festivals, witchcraft, community gardens.

The revolution we crave will not come until we reconnect with those basics of human flourishing, and with ourselves.

Be well, keep up the good work, rest and find joy. I love you, we’re all in this together.

I quit academia to educate without gatekeeping. I’ve compiled a ton of free resources here. If you REALLY want to get down and dirty with that decolonial life, join my Patreοn to get access to exclusive patrons-only writing and videos, including my PhD dissertation, which was embargoed by my university for being too politically spicy. If you’re on a healing journey, you can consult with me about psychedelic use.

If you appreciate this article, please share it with others! This topic is deeply important but it makes people very uncomfortable, so it never gets as much reach as my more palatable “screw billionaires” stuff. But we need to talk about it.

Here are three ways to say thank you, and support this work:

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Dr. Hilary Agro is an anthropologist, community organizer and mother of two young munchkins who are currently both obsessed with fart jokes.

*In this article I am not going to give in to the temptation to do an Academia and focus on the definition(s) of technology (which is about as hard to define concretely as art), and how we in the global north tend to conflate “technology” with “electronics” when it actually means, anthropologically speaking, the application of conceptual knowledge to achieve practical goals, and the tools, instruments, machines, systems, processes, and environments developed by humans to accomplish tasks, which means that shoes and forks are as much technology as the Large Hadron Collider. I find that to be a fascinating subject, especially as someone who has developed a recent interest in textiles as technology and art and the ways textiles have been devalued due to their association with feminized labour. But I have to pick up my kids in a few hours and I cannot make this article my whole-ass day. Resist, I tell myself. Stay on target.

**If anyone has come across writing from a decolonial, non-anthropocentric, Indigenous-centered worldview about how solving “problems” (using this term loosely because most of the problems modern tech purports to solve are not real and/or are actually structural things like us not having enough time or enough emotional and healing support) with plastic and electronic tech is actually fine, please link it to me. I don’t see many leftist tech nerds fighting for, or even really talking about, divesting from our reliance on electronics, or creating a movement towards local electronics recycling and manufacturing, or any other solution that would mitigate the massive environmental concerns while letting us keep our screens. But I have to optimistically assume I’m just not exposed to it. I know the tech nerds don’t like my solution (rapidly phase out the use of all plastics and electronics that aren’t 100% sustainable and 90% locally produced), so let’s go comrades, what are yours?

Men are not trash.

Men are not trash. Perpetuating that narrative helps normalize rape culture by making it seem like it’s just inherent to their nature. It’s not.

I know why a lot of women and enbies say this, and I share their frustration, rage and pain. And yet, we still have to contend with the situation if we want to fix it: men are full human beings deserving of care and understanding, even the ones who do the most harm. The social system of patriarchal masculinity is what’s trash, and it hurts men too. But thankfully, systems made by humans can always be unmade. We can change anything that we collectively want to change.

If you’re a women or non-binary person and what I’ve said so far is creating a response in your body that feels really bad—if you feel defensive or angry thoughts bubbling to the surface—I invite you to read something else that makes you feel powerful and uplifted instead. I write from an abolitionist perspective focused on collective liberation, and it’s not my intention to fuel more disconnection. But I also have enough respect for the fellow working-class people I am writing for that I have a commitment to communicating from an honest place, even when I know it cannot be received by everyone at all times. I’ve written a bit more at the end of this article to explain what I’m doing here, and address some concerns that often come up from women. Anyone who feels mostly okay, or who is up for a bit of challenge, a bit of stretching: please read on.

Humans are all born prosocial creatures, it’s how we’re wired to survive. We are primates who live in groups because we die if we’re on our own. We are literally not biologically equipped for individualism. That means that every member of our species, Homo sapiens, is born with instincts that guide them towards relationality as a core survival mode. We need other people, and we need a healthy environment to provide us with water, air, food and shelter. Acknowledging our place in this ecosystem is the core of relationality.

It takes a lot to program a human to hate, fear and dominate others, but several thousand years of internal and then external European colonization managed to do it, and now children in the settler colonies of North America on Turtle Island are raised with experiences that enforce those unnatural values on them from day one: blind obedience to authority, chronically ignoring our bodies, strict gender role enforcement. We are told, over and over, to ignore the signs our bodies are telling us in favour of external control: get up, eat what you’re given, sit still, listen, don’t whine, don’t cry, stop running so much, stop laughing so loud, don’t play with that, go to bed right now. You’re tired when it’s time to wake up? Too bad. You’re energetic when it’s time for bed? Too bad. You’re hungry or sad at the wrong time? The adults around you are too stressed to have space for that. And they are genuinely doing the absolute best that they can with the limited financial and/or emotional resources that they have.

“Men,” as in the flesh-and-blood human beings that are our brothers in the world, are not the problem. I will keep saying this until my dying breath, because we will not fix these problems until we start seeing them as systemic more than individual. If we change the system, and reconnect to ourselves and others, men—and all of us—will heal.

Our ancestors knew that systems were the danger, and knew the power and potential that humans have to harm and destroy, and had many different cultural strategies in place for managing it (many of which are explored in the excellent podcast The Emerald). Colonialism replaced collective ritual with authoritarian religions, schools, money, screens. There is a reason men are not okay.

I work with people to help them set up solo psychedelic healing journeys, and my clients are mostly men. It’s so jarring coming from sessions where men are pouring their hearts out, working so hard to heal for the sake of themselves and their loved ones, and then go online and see the discourse just dump shit all over them.

Generational trauma runs very, very deep. Things have been awry for a long time. We subject boys, literal children, to the most unimaginably dehumanizing conditions at a massive cultural scale in the imperial core, and then we participate in the same dehumanizing dynamics that are hurting us all by calling them pieces of shit for not fighting off structural forces when they were 7.

Men can and do heal, including men who’ve done severe harm. The rest of us (who all, in the imperial core, participate in harmful systems) can as well, and when we do, all of this becomes easier. It feels so much better in my body to practice loving everyone than it did to selectively fear, resent and hate people. It makes me a better organizer, a better teacher, a better parent, a better friend.

Decolonial animist spirituality, for the brave

Here, I am compelled to nudge us towards rediscovering the animist worldviews of our European (and African, and Asian) ancestors, and of almost all Indigenous cultures throughout history and still today. I don’t talk about this as much as I want to, especially considering how profoundly it’s changed my own well-being for the better, because I know a lot of people aren’t ready for it. But it is the missing piece that allows for a more holistic embrace of systems thinking at the level of the body, not just the mind.

Humans are fundamentally pro-social, but our actions and potential are shaped by spiritual forces (or systems if you’re nasty*). Once you understand this, it becomes much easier to blame the forces that are feeding off our disconnection and hatred, rather than individual humans, or lumped-together groups of people like men, themselves. (Important side note: you can absolutely view this as a metaphor if the idea of spirits makes you uncomfortable. I encourage you to free yourself from the objectivist trap of focusing on the materialist scientific “truth” of this worldview, and instead think about it as a framework through which to view social dynamics. I come from a deeply skeptical, evidence-based mindset, and animism is just as compatible with that as other philosophical frameworks, such as Marxist theory or feminism, that rely on material evidence but are not testable and universally replicable using the scientific method. The scientific method is an essential tool for many problems, but it is limited in its scope, and it cannot be the only tool in our collective toolbox. In sum, I use sage and have an altar, and I am also abundantly vaccinated.)

I will expand on decolonial animist spirituality in future writing and videos, but all I’ll say for now is: When you have 200,000+ years of our ancestors thriving and saying “this is how the world works and these are the things that must be done to ensure the well-being of our people and all living beings,” how are you gonna say “no actually, YOU’RE the ignorant morons” with a straight face as our environment collapses around us and everyone is miserable?

“All beings have an innate spiritual aliveness that connects us? Haha, no, I think me as a white lady from the most fucked up society that’s ever existed knows more than you, thank you very much.” – Me before plant medicines and serious engagement with Indigenous philosophy humbled my colonized ass.

Before I keep going, I just want to encourage you to share this article with someone else if it has felt insightful (maybe even keep it handy for the next time you see someone call men trash), because I’m an independent educator who lives at the whim of billionaire-funded algorithms and it’s hard to break through that shit, okay thank you I love you, on we go.

What to do?

So, what can we do about this situation we’re in?

If you do feel ready to do this deep, difficult, rewarding work of movement-building without individualism and shaming, here are my suggestions. But first, I want to express my gratitude to you, because it’s really, really hard to push past the anger we’ve been trained to target at our fellow human beings enough to do this. Most people are not resourced enough for it. I struggle with it all the time!

Step one is to figure out which of your identities makes you best suited to talk to other people with that same identity. As much as it sucks, I have to accept that white people are more likely to listen to me than the Black and Indigenous people I have learned from, so I talk to them. It’s a responsibility, but also an opportunity. Men, talk to other men. Straight people, talk to other heteros. Religious people, talk to others in your faith. Non-Indigenous people, talk to other settlers. Most of all, working class people, talk to each other about class issues! (Class is generally the most productive place to focus your efforts in my opinion, because it’s the great uniter, and the reason we were divided against each other by capitalists in the first place. But it has to be grounded in decolonization as well.)

Encouraging men to start a men’s group, or starting one yourself, is a hugely beneficial thing to do. Make sure the stated and practiced values of the group are decolonial, feminist and anti-oppressive.

Here are five resources I suggest to start with to build these communication and organizing skills. None are perfect, all are just tools in a toolbox. Pick whichever interests you, leave anything you don’t feel aligned with.

1) Nonviolent communication training: an incredible resource for learning how to talk to and connect with people using a non-authoritarian approach. (This is where I learned to identify how often people interpret suggestions and requests as demands, a quick way to see how unresolved trauma functions to hamstring our movements.) The intro training is free on Spotify.

2) Let This Radicalize You by Kelly Hayes and Mariame Kaba: practical advice for organizing and activism, and how to make hope something that you build with others.

3) Maybe I’m cheating by calling this one a single resource, but it’s just too good! Interrupting Criminalization has got so much! Use it all, share it all! They are amazing!

4) There are many writers, artists and educators doing great work on positive masculinity. Healthy Gamer (Dr. Alok Kanojia) is a great resources, and Shaun does amazing work speaking to and about young white men from a critical but also humanizing perspective. Here’s another of his videos. I have also started making videos about this, such as Men Are Not Trash and Seven Ways Society is Unfair to Men.

5) If the stuff about animist spirituality above intrigued you and you’re ready to go deeper and see how spirituality is an essential component to integrate in order to combat the appeal of fundamentalist cults, then listen to The Emerald podcast. “Oh Justice” is a relevant episode, but listen to any that pique your interest. My favourite is “Snail Juice.”

Be well, keep up the good work, rest and find joy. I love you, we’re all in this together.

This article is also available as a video essay.

I quit academia to educate without gatekeeping. I’ve compiled a ton of free resources here. If you REALLY want to get down and dirty with that decolonial life, join my Patreοn to get access to exclusive patrons-only writing and videos, including my PhD dissertation, which was embargoed by my university for being too politically spicy. If you’re on a healing journey, you can consult with me about psychedelic use.

If you appreciate this article, please share it with others! Here are three ways to say thank you, and support me doing more of it:

❤️ Join my Patreon 

💲 Send me a straight-up cash tip if you’re baller like that

👧 Buy my kids supplies like toothpaste and sunscreen!

Dr. Hilary Agro is an anthropologist, community organizer and mother of two young children.

*this is a queer culture joke, just disregard if it makes no sense lol

A note for skeptical women

In my outreach work, I often get women responding saying that they feel like they are expected to fix men, saying “it’s not my job to do that,” “I shouldn’t be expected to help men who’ve done nothing but hurt me,” things like that. Honestly, that’s extremely valid! I want to make it clear right now that it is absolutely not your job and no one expects you to do that. But it is my job! I’ve taken on this task willingly. When you read an article or watch a video of mine about men, you’re seeing me at work doing this on behalf of us. 😊

So I feel what you’re saying in my heart, and I think it’s very reasonable for you to focus on yourself and your healing, limit contact with people and conversations that hurt too much, and take all the space you need. Myself and other people can do this particular work for the collective, and you can contribute to the broader movement for liberation in whatever ways you’re able to, and trust us to carry the rest. ❤️

So don’t worry, I’m doing it for us as we speak so that you don’t have to! I’ve got this! Get some tea and enjoy some well deserved rest, beloved. The only thing I am asking women and enbies to do, if you’re not up for outreach work but do want to be supportive, is to please not make my job harder by venting your justified anger at men you don’t know online. In my work, I try to create a space for men to feel safe to talk about their experiences and work through some unlearning they’re doing around various oppressive structures. It makes my job harder when women and enbies come at those men in my comments sections for being a little bit confused about minor things when they overall mean well, and are on a journey. People can’t learn when they feel like making a small mistake will result in judgement, mockery and criticism. I want them to feel safe engaging with my work. When I taught at the university level, I can’t imagine how much harder it would have been for my students if they’d had someone jumping on every poorly articulated thought. Processing out loud, including in writing, is an essential part of learning.

My work is grounded in abolitionist ethics: approaches to conflict, crisis, violence and disagreement that reject punishment and coercion and instead centre collaboration, the transformation of conflict into opportunities for growth, and flexibility/experimentation. This is rooted in a deep engagement with Black and Indigenous feminists. I am interested, most of all, in material change. In all of my work, I ask the question: What actually works? What is effective?

I have not seen much evidence that shaming people works. But I have seen lots of evidence that offering compassion, understanding and respect is an effective way to create the human connection that is required for learning and growth to happen.

To maintain a safe environment, I have had to block a few particularly hostile people who were responding to multiple men on my videos lashing out at them, and I really don’t like doing that. So please help me out by keeping the venting to those spaces where it won’t be seen by men struggling to free themselves from the mental chains that have been imposed on them—ideally with your girlfriends in the group chat.

Why do I trust men to be able to change?

Because over my years of doing this work, I’ve heard from hundreds of men who’ve talked about the changes they’ve made and the gratitude they feel for the people who held space for them while they worked through things, including when they still had some propagandized beliefs. (I talk about this in the YouTube video I made on this topic, it actually made me emotional.) I also try to remember that bot farms whose entire purpose is to sow discontent are real. But mostly, through my own healing I have found that approaching everyone with compassion just feels best in my body, and as a point of personal and abolitionist values (and based on my education and personal experiences) I hold the belief that everyone is doing their best and the core of harmful behaviour is just fear. ❤️

Can you be a parent and an activist?

I am consumed by a difficult realization I’ve come to lately.

The care my children need to be as protected as possible under the conditions of capitalism outstrips my ability to provide it while also doing activism.

It’s hard to admit, but I didn’t put very much thought, before having kids, into how much doing so might take away from the activism that’s been the bedrock of my life for over a decade. Attempting to maintain the same level of productivity in my work and organizing while parenting two small children has so impacted my physical and mental health that I believe I have finally, just recently, hit extreme burnout.

My body aches at all times. My hips are in pain, possibly due to the double C-section scar that I have not given myself the time to properly heal, because who has time for that when there’s an overdose crisis and people are dying? My teeth grind at night, possibly because I have not let myself access the amount of rest I’d need to relax my body, because who has time for that when there are multiple genocides happening? The pain in my back starts at a 4 every morning and ramps up to an 8 by the end of the day, because who has time to do yoga when the oceans are acidifying and the forests are burning and leftists can’t stop angrily venting their trauma at their fellow working-class people for long enough to build a movement that can turn this ship around?

I turn this physical pain into empathy, by thinking about the parents and other workers who secretly use opioids to deal with the pain thrust upon them by the demands of capitalist (re)production. I finally get, on an embodied level, why they do it. I wish more people would understand that drug use is a rational response to a violent society, because if they did, we might stop throwing people who use drugs in prison and taking away their children. My pain turns into wisdom, and I feel compelled to share this wisdom with others, so I do. It feels so urgent. A more pressing demand than taking twenty minutes out of my day to massage my C-section scar and do physiotherapy for my diastasis recti. So the pain lingers in my body, like a poison made of urgency, of the screams of dying Palestinians and old growth forests.

I do not believe that parenting on its own is enough of a contribution to building a better world, as many people say it is. Just “raising the next generation with good values” is not enough when our land, air and water are under such dire, immediate threat that by the time my children are adults, they may not have anything left to survive with. The problems are too urgent for parents to do nothing but raise our children well. But how much labour is enough?

I made my decision to have kids before knowing that a dangerous virus would be threatening us for years on end. Before knowing how little I would be able to rely on the Canadian medical system, or any other system, or even my own community members, to protect us. I feel naive, but I see people still making the (to me, at the moment, somewhat baffling) decision to have children, so it would seem that either the gravity of the threats facing children right now are not actully as severe as they seem to be from my ostensibly well-informed perspective, or most people, even leftists, are in denial about the dangers and the weight of responsibility that comes with bringing children into the current world. Or perhaps, as a neurodivergent person in trauma recovery whose disabilities did not become so acutely obvious and pressing until after I had kids, I am simply far less equipped than most people to handle the stresses of parenting. But I’m not sure I’m so unique, as our society is disabling and trauma-creating on a scale wider than most people realize.

To keep my kids truly safe, I would need to join their school’s PTA and devote all my time to ensuring quality air filtration in their classrooms. I would need to spend the few spoons I have on teaching them to wear masks in indoor public spaces and convincing them to keep doing it, every day, even when it’s uncomfortable, even when no one else is doing it.

I would need to teach them how to garden, to build their connection to the land so they become naturalized citizens of this place, and learn to care for the land that cares for us, as well as survival skills for what may come.

I would need to prepare weekly activities that make them into good neighbours and citizens. Writing thank-you cards, preparing gifts for their friends, baking cookies to bring to parties.

I would need to expose them to Mother Earth, creatively teach them to understand and love trees so their ability to see and appreciate nature doesn’t wither under the ten-tonne weight of the cartoons and superheroes vying for their attention and filling their brains with cravings for plastic toys and refined sugar.

I have been doing some of this already. But the parts I’m able to do are already more than I have the capacity for. So where, in all of this, is there time to organize my community? How can I attend socialist meetings with an energetic three-year-old? How much of my limited supply of energy can I give to exposing myself to enough information about the various ongoing genocides that I am able to take action to stop them, without becoming incapacitated for the evening when my third labour shift of the day starts? How can I do all of this while also finishing my PhD, taking care of my relationships, and maintaining my physical and emotional health?

These are questions I have been struggling with, with no good answers. I am not currently striking a balance. Maybe when they’re older, I can more easily involve them in organizing activities. Does that mean that while they’re 3 and 5, I can take a full break from all of it? When do I start up again? Which aspects of my caregiving or my community organizing can I sacrifice?

Caring for two small children on my own, which I often do these days, means the built-in stress levels of my day-to-day are high. It requires large amounts of patience, recovery time, and practicing emotional regulation skills to parent with only sporadic community and family support. It’s easy to say “cook with your kids,” it’s harder to put that task into practice when half of your time and attention is spent intervening in messes, breaking up fights, rushing a toddler to the bathroom, and attempting to give two children 100% of your attention when at most they can each have 50%. In the evening, you have to try to do all of this while you’re already exhausted from a full day of labour, and facing down another endless bedtime (my 3-year-old Mila does not, and seemingly cannot, fall asleep until 10 pm).

And all the while, underneath, there is the gnawing tension of the knowledge that good participatory habits must be fostered early—if you wait until your kids are old enough that they’re better able to stir soup without spilling it or carry a carton of eggs without dropping it, by then they won’t want to cook with you at all, because the early flames of their desire to will have died out, tamped down by their cargivers’ exhausted impatience and redirected towards toys and screens.

Children can sense the neglect inherent to the nuclear family arrangement, and it upsets them. They need so much more than one or two caregivers can provide. My 5-year-old Eva is increasingly frustrated with my inability to read to her for as long as she would like because of the demands and interruptions of her younger sister. Meanwhile, Mila is the most extroverted human being I have ever met (you think I’m exaggerating, but I’m not) and is the easiest kid in the world if many people are around for her to interact with, but if you’re on your own with her, you do not get a break. I don’t have the energy or time for much creative play because I’m so busy meeting their basic needs and teaching them functional skills, and most of the time there are no other kids around to meet their very high need for play. It’s wonderful when they play with each other, but more often than not it ends in tears and rage as I cannot supervise closely enough to make sure Mila doesn’t grab Eva’s toys while I’m making their breakfast. Humans were not meant to live in isolation like this. It’s simply not possible to give children everything they need under these circumstances, and that’s without adding the extra pressure to stave off environmental collapse.

I do have friends who help me out, and they are lifesavers. The tiniest act—playing with my kids, washing a few dishes—fills me with overwhelming gratitude. I have especially noticed that my comrades who are the most accomodating and helpful are the ones who are the most embedded in liberationist politics, which is beautiful and, I suppose, unsurprising. The ways in which liberation-minded people are trying to live our values and build the communities we want to see gives me hope (though it also comes with complicated feelings—I cried with equal parts relief and deep guilt when my Palestinian friend offered to come vacuum my apartment when my vaccum broke, at a time when her people were and are being genocided). But these are also friends I’ve made largely through my activism—what happens if I give that up for several months, or a year, or two? Will they still show up for me if I’m burnt out and unable to reciprocate any community work? I need so much because my children need so much, and there’s so little I can offer in return right now. How much can I rely on my already overworked and burnt out friends, most of whom are BIPOC, queer, and/or disabled?

I can see, like I’m Neo at the end of the Matrix, exactly how all of these pressures create the desire to make more money. Money can solve many (though not all) of these problems, so buckling down and focusing on securing income for your own family feels like the only option. And once you do that, you’re hooked—the desire to make money in order to feel safe and afford the supports you need becomes its own self-sustaining capitalist illness. There but for the grace of my own neurodivergent stubbornness, and years of exposure to anarcho-communist principles and Indigenous ontologies, go I.

What to do, then? My bones are creaking. My mind is consumed with grief for the state of our world. It’s too much. I have recently decided to take a medical leave from my PhD to focus on getting my health back in order. I’ll be putting a pause on most of my activism as well, which will be the hardest part. But something has to change. I love myself, my kids and my comrades too much to not try to find balance. I cannot tell others that this is a marathon not a sprint, take care of yourself and all that, and not follow my own advice. I am going to reset, spend time with trees, and figure out what a sustainable work/life/activism balance looks like for me now.

Most parents in your community don’t have the ability to do this. They are drowning.

I know that many people, given how empathetic and kind my audience generally is, will want to soothe and reassure me that I’m doing the best I can. You may want to offer tips to improve my situation. I do appreciate and welcome this, but what would truly make me feel better would be if you commit to helping your comrades who have children, and talk about it publicly. You really can’t imagine how much stress they’re under. We have so normalized the idea that parenting is naturally exhausting, many parents don’t even realize that they should not have to suffer like this. Child care is mutual aid, and one of its most neglected and essential forms. I would probably cite Silvia Federici or Sophie Lewis here if any of their books existed on audiobook so I could read them, lol.

So, what can you do? Here are some suggestions:

  • It’s hard to get kids out the door to go to things, so go visit your friends with kids. Ask what help they need, and if they’re unsure, the kitchen or bathroom is a great place to start. Bring food.
  • The best thing for the whole family is playing with the kids themselves, as you can give parents a break while simultaneously providing something that kids badly need, which is socialization with people beyond their primary caregivers.
  • Many of us parents fall into the instinct to zone out on our phones when we get a second of reprieve. If you’re offering to take care of the kids for a bit, gently ask your friend to think about what they might want to use that time for. If it’s zoning out on their phone, that’s fine, but just a little orienting question to help them be intentional about it will help, and it may make them more likely to do something more restorative with their time.
  • Offer not only to go on outings with your friends and their kids, but offer to meet them at their place first to help get the kids out the door.
  • Hang out with your parent friends while they’re in the park so you can chat while they kids run around the playground. Host gatherings in kid-friendly spaces.
  • Talk to others in your leftist organization(s) about accomodations for parents. Can you provide engaged child care at meetings? Can you help parents get to meetings? If your group is small, can you commit to meeting at the homes of people with kids, if they’d prefer that? Can you bring snacks/food to family-friendly actions, and state that on social media so parents know they don’t have to do the added labour of packing snacks?
  • Wear masks in indoor public settings. Fight for better air filtration in these same settings, or bring your own air filters to events/gatherings. Open all the windows.

Thank you, beloveds, for reading all of this, and for thinking about what I’ve offered here. Please share this post on social media so it can start discussions about these issues. Do you have similar experiences or insights to share? Am I the only one going through this?

One thing, though–note that if your instinct when you share this is to talk about how all of this is why you decided not to have kids, that’s fine, but please temper it with a stated commitment to helping other peoples’ children survive, as it can otherwise come off as dismissing these common concerns as the fault of individual parents’ decisions to have kids, when doing so is the most normal impulse in existence and shouldn’t be shamed. If we want to build a better world, we need to support parents, as they are the primary caretakers of the next generation that will help us survive in old age, and will pass on our teachings. More than anything, because children deserve so much more love and care than they are being given under the current conditions. You do too. We all do.

Hilary Agro is a community organizer, low-income PhD student & mother of two young children. If you appreciate the labour that went into this article, consider sending me and my kids some masks, HEPA filters, diapers or books, or just a cash tip

Fear and Loathing in Atlanta: Racism and the War on Drugs

Content warning: racism, violence, forced miscarriage.

I was on my way to the airplane that would take me back home, to Canada. I boarded the train between the Atlanta airport’s two terminals, eyes bleary from sleep deprivation and last night’s makeup. A blind man and an airport employee helping him walked onto the train, led by his dog. Minutes passed in silence before he told a story, out of the blue, foggy eyes staring at nothing.

“One time I was leaving a store, and my dog, she led me into the wrong car,” he said to his helper. “It wasn’t my wife in the front seat. ‘I think you’re in the wrong car,’ I heard a woman say. ‘I think you’re right,’ I said.”

I shifted my backpack and smiled at the story.

“I’m just glad she didn’t have a .45 on her,” the blind man added.

“Yeah. That would have been messy,” the helper responded.

They said it seriously, but so casually. Like it was nothing. Normal.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I broke down crying.

* * *

Just five days in the U.S. south, at the International Drug Policy Reform Conference, changed how I view the work I’m doing. I’m a PhD student who studies the effects of drug prohibition on drug users and sellers. I know about gun violence, about racial oppression, about how the War on Drugs systematically targets the poor and people of colour. I’ve read everything I can get my hands on, I’ve watched the documentaries, I’ve talked to people, I’ve done a Master’s degree’s worth of ethnographic research on the subject. I’ve lived in Mexico and seen the ugly effects of cartel power in person. There’s a reason I’m doing this work. But I’d never seen what I saw in Atlanta, so much in so few days.

Monstrous things that seemed to faze no one. Monochromatic homelessness, all black. I was catcalled constantly on the street, and then later told I was an idiot for walking alone at night at all – you can’t do that here. The transit security guard on the subway had a gun. I guess all of them do. I got a physical shiver when I saw it, a weight in my stomach. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw a gun in person. I live in the kind of place where you can go months, even years without seeing a gun.

Photo 2017-10-11, 1 04 06 PM

A group of black men being bothered by cops for no reason I could discern, one of the first things I saw when I got into the city.

I heard story after story of people being arrested for drugs, years of their lives and their mental and physical health taken away from them, families destroyed. Racial tension was everywhere. Fear was everywhere. Buzzing, insidious, toxic textures at the periphery of the senses. Fear seeped from the walls and coated every interaction. Hackles raised, human connection difficult without concerted effort. I made the effort and was rewarded with tiny moments of solidarity, bright sparks, smiles. Atlanta, like the US as a whole, is full of good, kind people, trapped in a cultural venn diagram of overlapping toxic systems that are slowly killing them and keep them turned against each other instead of against the systems themselves.

White supremacy is real, and it is everywhere. The geographic and economic segregation along racial lines was astounding. I sat eating a Big Mac in a McDonald’s at 11 pm on a Wednesday, the only white person among 30 black people. I then walked six blocks north and was hit by a wall of white bodies in confederate flag shirts—returning from a Garth Brooks concert, I later learned. I was very uncomfortable in the latter situation and felt fine in the former, but the sheer, naked, normalized segregation in both made me deeply uneasy.

I sent my partner a drunk text about how the food here didn’t feel digestible. That Big Mac haunted me. It was like eating ash and plastic, no nutrition at all. You don’t have to believe me, but I mean this honestly when I say that American fast food is worse than the fast food I’ve eaten in any other country. You can taste the difference in agricultural production and food standards. It hurt to think that it’s all that millions of people can afford. It’s barely food. They deserve so much better.

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These signs don’t exist where I live

I fended off catcalls as I walked home that night, a deep sense of shame and disgust at my skin colour setting in already, at how I was necessarily perceived to be one more white link in the chains that hold half that country hostage. I couldn’t hide my whiteness, so I shamefully found myself hoping people would at least notice my broken glasses and crappy old boots and think I’m poorer than I am. I’m not wealthy—I just barely identify as middle class—but I am not poor. Not like the homeless man to whom I gave my change instead of all the money in my pocket like I should have. My partner and I don’t make much money, but with free health care and the various other social and academic supports I have access to, I can afford to fly to conferences in other countries where I deal with the embarrassment of being a walking pile of privilege by hoping my taped-up glasses camouflage my relative wealth. I have to remind myself as I walk by that those people don’t have nothing because I have something: those people have nothing because a small handful of people have everything, and will not share until we make them. I channel that knowledge back into my work. Guilt is not productive. Action is.

jeff sessions is an absolute monster

So much blood on this man’s hands

The next day at the conference, I listened to a formerly incarcerated black woman on a panel tell her story. She was in federal prison for selling drugs, and she was pregnant when she was locked up. The water that came out of the taps in the prison was brown. She told them she couldn’t drink it, and they told her to go thirsty. One day, she began feeling pain in her belly. They took her to the infirmary—they didn’t have the right paperwork to get her to a hospital, and didn’t bother finding it. They shackled her, bleeding, to the bed, as she begged for help. She miscarried and lost her child. They threw her sheets, and the fetus, into the trash. Soon she was forced to return to her “job,” welding bunk beds for the men’s prison. Three beds high, three feet of vertical space per bed. The audience quietly cried as we listened. She sold things to people who wanted them, and the state robbed her of unborn child and gave her post-traumatic stress disorder.

Hers was not the only story like this.

* * *

Photo 2017-10-12, 3 59 53 PMI was saved by the people at the conference, hundreds of tiny lights in a landscape of confused darkness. Activists, scholars, authors, health care workers, psychonauts, researchers, patients, libertarians, socialists. All of us bound together by the knowledge that drug prohibition is the modern day Jim Crow and the driving force behind death and destruction in the Americas. We clung to each other for sanity, sharing our successes and failures, our experiences, our self-care rituals. Every victory was tainted by the knowledge that while capitalism stands, its vultures will always find a way to profit and oppress. Marijuana is being legalized—great! But anyone with a felony record is barred from working in the legal market, meaning all the people of colour who were selling it before—shit. Companies who make ankle GPS trackers, video call systems for prisons, and opioid medications pour billions of dollars into lobbying to maintain the system the way it is, while Black and Latinx communities have their young men stolen from them and their women and children surveilled by the state through the welfare system.Photo 2017-10-12, 6 42 40 AM

“Poor activist communities are being destroyed by the prison system,” said one panelist. “If you want to disrupt social justice, put all the men in prison and all the women under welfare surveillance.”

One woman on a psychedelics panel was asked about her experiences. She said she could never fully relax and enjoy a journey, given the space she occupies in the world. “Not even psychedelics can bring me to a place where I can escape from the reality of being black in America.”

Later I sat and watched Falcons fans on the way to a football game, laughing and shouting like everything was fine, and wondered if I was going mad.

Photo 2017-10-13, 8 31 07 AMSometimes, among drug policy activists, it feels like we’re the band playing on the Titanic. Sometimes it feels like maybe we can make a difference, like we’ll win. Like there’s no way we can’t win when all the evidence, and all the empathy, is on our side. But it doesn’t matter either way. We have to try. There’s just no other option.

We have to do this work. Or who will?

* * *

Tiny squares of paper, an unlikely team: Leslie, from San Francisco, and Mark, a 21-year-old from New Mexico who’d never been outside his home state. All conferences have a culture of drinking—the culture at this one is a bit more unique.

Fear and loathing in Atlanta, hotel escalators like an Escher drawing. We managed to get to a club, where I danced like I could drown out my thoughts if I just moved hard enough. I listened to the lyrics of all my favourite hip-hop songs as if I’d never heard them before. Pain, power, poetry. They wrapped around my heart and pulled it down into the ground. The energy on the dance floor, the smiles, the movement—they crackled with intensity. I never wanted to leave.Photo 2017-10-14, 9 17 08 PM

Later, we stayed up til long past sunrise, trying to make sense of what we’d experienced that week. Legs stretched out on the hotel carpet, ears ringing. Talking to Leslie that night had been a moderating influence in the stark differences I kept seeing between our two countries. There were certain things she said didn’t exist in San Francisco either. But still, I began to feel terrible for how many times I pointed out how things like needing to carry mace with you is not normal in Canada, and should not be normal anywhere, let alone a country with this much wealth and resources. Transit officers with guns on the subway should not be normal. Having to ask whether the tap water is potable should not be normal. Fearing shootings in public should not be normal. Spatial segregation by race and class in a multiracial society should not be normal. Having to create GoFundMes to pay for surgery should not be normal. People fighting tooth and nail to keep professional sports team names that are straight-up racial slurs should not be normal.

Canada, like every country, has many serious problems that need immediate attention. I could write endless pages about what’s wrong with the capitalist, colonial state that I live in (and I often do.) Racism, inequality, misogyny, homophobia—they all exist in my home too. But it’s not the same. It’s just not.

Sometimes, we just sat in silence, the weak morning sun peeking through the hotel curtains.

“I’ve been very angry and afraid of other people for a very long time,” realized Mark numbly.

* * *

Photo 2017-10-14, 11 26 02 PMI’m not naïve: I knew all of this existed. I’ve been obsessed with American politics, how similar our two cultures seem until you scratch beneath the surface, for years. It’s not possible to be a hip-hop fan from a young age, or study the War on Drugs for a living, and avoid the global vortex of injustice and power that centres on the US. But knowing about it, and coming face to face with the sheer day-to-day mundanity of it all, are two different things. I’ve been all over the West and Northeast, where the cracks in the cultural pavement are more subtle, but touching and seeing and smelling a Southern American city for the first time, while listening to first-hand stories from around the country, poured gasoline on my deep belief that to accept conditions like this as “just the way things are” is the most dangerous possible reaction. The normalization of structural violence, white supremacy and drug prohibition allows all of it to continue, at a scale that boggles the mind. I don’t want to become complacent. I don’t want to get used to it. I don’t want to accept it.

Judges who own bail companies and have shares in private prisons is not okay. A man facing five years in prison for picking mushrooms in a forest in Washington is an outrageous injustice. Thousands being held without even being charged, imprisoned for the crime of not being able to afford bail. Dozens of people shot every day by police. Women sexually violated by roadside cavity searches. All because human beings like getting high, and a group of wealthy, powerful people figured out how to turn that desire into capital by weaponizing racial oppression.

None of this is okay. Nobody deserves this kind of life.

I love Americans, I really do. They are incredible people, and so many of them have accomplished amazing things in the face of all this oppression. Watching American activists at work, fighting tirelessly under such difficult conditions, inspires me every day to work harder, work better, listen more closely, see more critically. But the country itself, the ideas that prop it up… How can we wake up the white American prohibition-supporting mainstream—which includes most liberals—to what is happening to people in their own country because of their complacency? I want to run around and shake people. Rip out the tentacles of media propaganda poisoning their minds, convincing vast swaths of the US that it’s their neighbours who are the problem, not corruption and inequality.Photo 2017-10-11, 12 54 33 PM

I guess it’s easier to be in denial, to feel like surely all those black people are wrong, overreacting with their protests and kneeling, than to confront the fact that your whole worldview is based on a mammoth lie. They’re like cult members—they just double down on their beliefs when they’re confronted with reality, because changing those fundamental beliefs, admitting the lie, would be too painful to bear. Maybe that’s how we need to start treating Trump supporters: like cult members who need deprogramming. They’ve bought into a certain narrative, that the US is fundamentally good, and to shatter that illusion would destroy a part of their very identity, their sense of self. Maybe we need to give them an out that allows them to shift that narrative towards something that provides the same positive identity, but acknowledges the truth: if you love your country, the most patriotic thing you can do is help to make it better for everyone in it.

* * *

It was Sunday morning. I’d slept for two disoriented hours. As I walked towards the subway train that would take me to the airport and the sweet sanctuary of home, I was torn between desperately wanting out, and feeling an urgent need to stay—there’s not enough time, I need to talk to more people. As if there could be an amount of time, or enough conversations, that would quiet the existential dread in my belly.

I passed a Muslim family outside the subway station. I wanted to run up to them, to every person of colour I saw and tell them I’m sorry for how hard it is to be them on this continent. I want them to know that I see them, I see what the world is doing to them, and it’s not okay, and I’m doing what I can to change things. That their experiences are real and valid. I don’t want to be one more person feeding into the twilight zone society that pretends this isn’t happening.

Photo 2017-10-12, 7 06 38 AMI’ve been texting with Mark regularly since I got back. We supported each other through our re-entry. “I was in a weird fugue state for a week when I got home,” he told me. “It felt like everything was going in slow motion.”

The airport alone was a surreal experience. I kept seeing innocuous but slightly bizarre things. I saw ads about “shopping for health care” and thought, those words don’t make sense together. I watched a man in the seat ahead and across from me sit and read all of the Wall Street Journal. He spent a particularly long amount of time on an article called “NFL weighs new anthem rules.” At one point, he pulled a wad of bills out of his pocket, counted them, and then put them back in his pocket.

I watched the guy next to me do a crossword puzzle, and it felt… I don’t know. Amazing. Ridiculous. Something. How can you do something so benign and simple and quaint and pleasant when the world around you is falling apart? How can you be so calm when 96 of your fellow citizens will die today from being shot with a gun? How are you not screaming with pitchforks at the front gates of every billionaire’s house?

I wanted to turn to the people across from me and ask, “Did you know that we’re living in the darkest timeline and everything we’re told about the way things work is a racist lie?”

But I couldn’t figure out exactly how to word that, so instead I asked them about football.
Photo 2017-10-11, 12 06 11 PM

I did talk with another Canadian headed to the same flight as me, and told her how I was feeling. “Atlanta is nothing,” she said. She’d gone to school in North Carolina, and left when she was done her degree because, she said, “it was too racist.”

* * *

When I started crying on the train after the blind man’s story, I couldn’t stop. I made my way to a fast food area with tables in the airport, sat down and sobbed. A woman—this woman—was playing the cello nearby, and I lost myself in the music, slow and sad. My body heaved as I wept. I was ignored by the other people at the tables. No one said a word to me.

By the time the music finished, I had too. I locked eyes with the cellist, whose name turned out to be Jenn, and she walked straight over to me as I stood up. She embraced me tightly, and I felt everything all at once.

We broke apart and I thanked her for her music. “I needed that,” I said.

“I could tell,” she answered. “Is there anything you want to share?”

We talked for a while, with another woman, and every second was both confusing and nourishing. Nothing I managed to verbalize about my feelings seemed to surprise them, and they were sympathetic. “It’s important to accept that not everyone is capable of feeling as deeply as you do,” one of them told me. It makes sense as a short term strategy, but it’s a pill I still refuse to swallow for the long-term. Everyone is capable. We’re just torn away from each other. We can rebuild empathy.

I had to go. They both hugged me goodbye as I wiped away tears, trying not to be embarrassed. “It’s okay,” I sniffed. “I’m okay.”

Jenn held my shoulders as she looked into my eyes. “It’s alright if you’re not okay, too.”

I felt the warmth in her words, and smiled. “I will be.”

* * *

Photo 2017-10-15, 1 49 54 PMOn the plane, I listened to Kendrick and let every word cut into me like wounds I never want to heal, wounds my soft, safe body will never actually have.

I’ll prolly die anonymous, I’ll prolly die with promises
I’ll prolly die walkin’ back home from the candy house
I’ll prolly die because these colors are standin’ out
I’ll prolly die because I ain’t know Demarcus was snitchin’
I’ll prolly die at these house parties, fuckin’ with bitches
I’ll prolly die from witnesses leavin’ me falsed accused
I’ll prolly die from thinkin’ that me and your hood was cool
Or maybe die from pressin’ the line, actin’ too extra
Or maybe die because these smokers are more than desperate
I’ll prolly die from one of these bats and blue badges
Body-slammed on black and white paint, my bones snappin’
Or maybe die from panic or die from bein’ too lax
Or die from waitin’ on it, die ’cause I’m movin’ too fast
I’ll prolly die tryna buy weed at the apartments
I’ll prolly die tryna defuse two homies arguin’
I’ll prolly die ’cause that’s what you do when you’re 17
All worries in a hurry, I wish I controlled things

If I could smoke fear away, I’d roll that mothafucka up
And then I’d take two puffs
I’ve been hungry all my life
I’m high now
I’m high now


If you like my writing, please consider supporting me on Patreon, or sending some diapers for my baby from my Amazon list 🙂 I’m a low-income grad student and new mom trying to fight against the devastation of the Drug War—every little bit helps.

Find me on Twitter ranting about drug policy, criminal justice reform, capitalism, psychedelics and anthropology: @HilaryAgro

Being a grad student with ADHD: An ode to constant ontological uncertainty.

[Hi. I’m back. I’m digressing from my usual topics to get a little cathartic and personal for a bit. Don’t worry, for the next post we’ll be back to the drug stuff.]

Reading.

Reading used to be fun.

Back when everything I read was by choice, I could curate my own reading lists that reflected the kind of narratives that kept me going, kept me hungering for more. They fed my imagination and honed my scattered brain into the hyperfocused reverse of itself.

Reading was delightful, relaxing, rewarding.

Now, reading is torture.

It’s the enemy I face off every day. Trying to wrangle sentences from social theorists into submission is the constant state of my being.

I hear my colleagues say it took them an hour to read an article that it took me an hour to get six pages into and I want to cry.

Should I be here?

Is this where I belong?

I pop another Dexedrine and stare at the orange bottle: the key that unlocked the door to academia for someone who by all rights, shouldn’t be here. This space is not built for me. It is hostile to the way my body and mind function. I should have dropped out years ago. I almost did, twice—once in high school and once in undergrad—before the fateful ‘diagnosis’ that turned my C’s into A+’s and miraculously gave me the ability to pursue my dream.

I wouldn’t be here, but for this little orange bottle. It contains my freedom. It’s my crutch.

Academic writing seems designed to keep people like me out. Its dialect is a barrier constructed to exclude those who don’t have the socioeconomic, cultural and linguistic capital to penetrate it. Whose minds have resisted all attempts, external and internal, to be moulded into a narrowly specific way of absorbing knowledge. Read this, we are told. The onus is on us to figure out how. We are at a disadvantage from literally page one.

It smells like bullshit, like there’s something not quite fair happening. But it feels like personal failure.

Sometimes I think maybe grad school is secretly just an insane don’t-ask-don’t-tell circus. Surely no one actually does all the readings? It seems impossible. I can’t make my brain slow down enough to grasp the words on these pages when they’re so incredibly dense and meandering and nonspecific and abstract. If there’s no narrative, no examples, no stories—I can’t follow it. I physically try to force myself, and I fail over and over again.

Then, the depression sets in. The self-loathing.

My relationship to the concept of disability is ambivalent. I certainly feel disabled when I’m trying to read, but identifying as such given all my objective advantages feels like appropriation somehow. I wish I had some sort of sociopolitical solidarity to rally around to argue why Western academic social science writing is exclusionary to people like me despite the fact that I was shaped entirely within it, the way it clearly is to people from other cultures and backgrounds and epistemologies. I am cis and white and middle-class, I am ostensibly who academia was designed for. This place is supposed to feel like second nature to me, I am told. But my type of people—those of us with reading disabilities, ADHD, or just those who process differently—can’t absorb information in the way everyone else around us seems to be able to. But I don’t know who my people are. I don’t know who else to rally to solidarity. We are invisible. We are weeded out early. We are not common in this line of work by default. All I have is a diagnosis that I don’t even fully subscribe to, but whose necessity becomes starkly clear whenever I stop taking the meds. But how can you medicalize a way of thinking and call it a ‘disorder’? I am not disordered. This pedagogy is disordered.

When an otherwise functional, stable, intelligent person has to be medicated to succeed within a system, there’s something wrong with the system.

Hello Foucault. It’s nice to meet you, I’ve heard so many wonderful things. I like your glasses, and also your scathing indictment of modern carceral systems. Listen, I have some questions for you. If your ideas are so necessary, so revolutionary, why are they so difficult for us, the intellectual proletariat, to grasp through your writing? Why are you getting away with helping to perpetuate the very structures of exclusion and power that you rail against? You are complicit in their maintenance and silent about that irony. Explain yourself.

I keep hearing people say, “oh, it’s worth it once you slog through [X impenetrable author] for the brilliance.” And yes, I have found that to be the case for some authors. But look, some of us just don’t have the fucking time. I’m not saying I’m too busy doing other things. I’m a student, this is my job. All I do is read, and I try very hard to slog through these authors every single day. I’m saying I literally cannot physically read fast enough in a given allotted time to properly digest an entire book by those impenetrable authors. Or even most of it. Or half. The time-spent-to-intellectual-benefit ratio is completely skewed for this type of dense, convoluted writing. I can learn so much more from a podcast or documentary or narrative ethnography about a similar topic. Hell, in terms of time spent relative to benefits, I’ve absorbed a lot more from following Black, Indigenous and decolonial feminist anthropologists on Twitter than from trying and failing to read Donna Haraway.

So yeah. Maybe academia isn’t for me.

Except… I’m here somehow. They let me into a top-tier anthropology PhD program with full funding. I have a Master’s degree; I’ve been told my thesis was good, very good even. I’ve made it here despite ignoring all the Big-Cheese Social Theorists and relying entirely on the little guys, the Comprehensibles, the ones I can and do read, who mix theory in with stories–Bourgois, Agar, Moore, Singer, Garcia. What does it mean? Am I a fraud or are all those French sociologists frauds?

I’ve swum around them, these giant mysterious intellectual whales in a sea of friendly little ethnographer fish. Most of the fish know the whales’ songs, and at their register I can actually hear them. So fuck the whales, I think. I don’t need them. I’m a product of the Internet age. Wikipedia and YouTube have been my shortcuts through a world of writing I can’t penetrate to crack open the sweet sticky centre of the ideas inside that writing, which in the end are all that matter. All along, there’s an uneasy feeling I can’t shake that this isn’t right, that I’m missing something, that I’m cheating. That my inabilities, my disability, my patched-together and selective reading history will catch up with me someday. That I’ll be exposed for the illiterate goon I am and unceremoniously booted out of this discipline I love so much.

And yet, somehow, I seem to get by. I get good grades, I’ve been told that I express my ideas coherently in classes and am an above-average public speaker, even if I don’t quite believe it. People regularly tell me they like my work and my public outreach (blog posts and Twitter) has been very rewarding. I love everything else about grad school and about anthropology–research, teaching, listening, learning, thinking, experiencing. The stuff I can read, I am absolutely fascinated by. I’ve gotten funding and scholarships–I am being given money to think and write about stuff. I feel like I have things to say, a perspective that would benefit from being heard in my discipline. I have concrete things to point to when I’m feeling particularly useless.

But none of this makes me feel any better when I’m staring at words swimming on a page. Instead I walk endlessly back and forth on a scale between self-hatred and bitter rage at the people I’m reading.

Right now, for example, I need to write a response paper about a very famous book by a very famous man named Bruno Latour. I don’t understand the first fucking paragraph and that fact is all I want to talk about:

…For real? Is this a joke? Are we really all just gonna pretend that this kind of writing is an ACCEPTABLE WAY TO COMMUNICATE?

My internal thought process while reading goes something like this:

Okay, stating something simply, I like it, what’s next… Okay so I had to read the next couple sentences five times each because my brain kept showing me pictures of antique boats and my dad when he had a moustache and what I had for breakfast and Jon Stewart dressed as Donald Trump all set to the tune of that Talib Kweli song I can’t get out of my head mixed with the humming from my computer, but eventually I got there… Wait, hang on now. Slow down there compadre. What do you mean by ‘material’? You haven’t quite defined that and the way you seem to be using it in a way is diverging from my own understanding of the potential uses of that word and so I’m already lost. No, don’t try to blame the translator. I’m going through the repertoire of what you might mean by ‘material’ and nothing seems to quite make it work. I am also not familiar with a world in which the word ‘social’ can be productively equated with the word ‘wooden’ or ‘steely.’ It is not because I lack imagination. It is because you lack communication skills. Am I supposed to just buy this and move on? Why should I let you get away with this shit? Convince me. I am a skeptic. You are not winning me over with this attitude. …Or maybe I really am not cut out for this. I don’t know. Why can’t I remember more than the first two lines of this Talib Kweli song? Back to Latour. Focus. Wait, now it’s a ‘movement’? When did that happen? ‘Ingredient’? What? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! I hear your ideas are important, what are they?! Give me your secrets, Latour! I want to understand! TALIB WILL YOU PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE FOR FIVE MINUTES I’M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE!

Yeah. That’s paragraph one.

I’m supposed to read 140 pages.

I don’t know. Maybe I really don’t belong here. Or maybe you can get a PhD with Google and reflexive feminist ethnography and theory-by-proxy. Maybe the calls for valuing clear, jargon-free writing in academia will become something more than lip service in time to save me. Maybe all those intelligible, narrative-oriented authors I can actually read are on the rise, and they will revolt and overthrow the opaque obfuscatocracy and take over, freeing us lowly idiots from our intellectual subjugation. My supervisor is one of those legible authors, that’s for damn sure. She knows how to write. I devoured her book in three days because she has enough respect for her audience to tell a story while she analyses. Why isn’t she the head of [whatever fancy French program somewhere that Latour sits on top of in a building that will be named after him someday, drinking wine and laughing at us peasants with brain disorders as we struggle to comprehend his revered words]?

Sigh.

What can I do? I’m far too obsessive and determined to just convince myself that I don’t need the big whales at all. If I haven’t given up now, it’s not going to happen.

So. I put on some Talib Kweli, drink some water, and steel myself. On to paragraph two.


Note: I receive more emails and messages about this post than all my other writing combined. I love hearing from other students who relate to this experience! It’s clearly a systemic problem. However, if you message me and I don’t reply, I’m sorry, I get overwhelmed–and now that I’m a full-time mom AND PhD student, my ability to respond to messages has been all but wiped out. But please know that I hear you and value you. You aren’t alone. You are amazing for getting as far as you have. Believe me when I say this: it’s not you, it’s them. ❤


If you like my writing, please consider supporting me on Patreon, or sending some diapers for my baby from my Amazon list 🙂 I’m a low-income grad student and new mom trying to fight against the devastation of the Drug War–every little bit helps.

Find me on Twitter ranting about drug policy, criminal justice reform, anti-capitalism, psychedelics and anthropology: @HilaryAgro

Why abstinence-only drug education doesn’t work—in fact, it backfires spectacularly.

I talked to a lot of middle-class recreational drug users for my research. None of them had any idea when they were younger that they’d end up dropping acid on a regular basis when they became successful adults. Very few of them grew up in explicitly drug-positive environments, or even around healthy drug using behaviours. Some, in fact, experienced trauma caused by family alcoholism. (One person, Brad, who did grow up with parents who used recreational drugs, actually ended up adopting a teetotalling stance until age 30 as his form of rebellion1: “My parents were really disappointed. They genuinely were like, ‘Brad we’re really worried about you, you’re not gonna try drugs?'”)

Everyone I talked to remembered being taught anti-drug messages in school, and many were staunchly against drug use themselves as teenagers and young adults.

Dave: I had basically not even smoked weed at that point in my life. The only thing I’d ever done was drink alcohol. I was like, OK, I’ll have a drink, but like, I will not do drugs. I’m not going to throw my life away.

Adam: I was one of those people who years ago, I would have told you, no, I would never do those drugs, drugs are bad, drugs kill people.

So why, then, did they change their minds and start experimenting with consciousness alteration?

2016-03-20 20.37.00

Everything is fair game for an anthropologist’s office. You should see my hilarious collection of Far Side comics.

There was a really interesting pattern that came up in discussions of this topic. Without exception, every time I asked a person if they remembered anti-drug education in school, I would be met with the same reaction: a smile and a laugh. They would reminisce on how ridiculous scare tactics are as an educational strategy, chuckling as they remembered advertisements cracking brain-eggs into a frying pan or portraying the average drug user as a person with, as Ella put it, “your teeth falling out, skin all scaly and whatnot”. (“I actually watch those ads on YouTube sometimes because I just think they’re funny,” said Mandy.) They really are pretty funny. I have a “Reefer Madness” poster in my office, partly as a reminder of the messed-up, racist origins of North American drug policy and how that “Danger Will Robinson” paradigm continues today, and partly because it’s hilarious. When drug users laugh at this kind of scare tactic, the laughter comes not only from the ironic awareness that anti-drug education clearly did not work for them, but from the knowledge of how incredibly sensationalized and counterproductive it is in general.

The funniest part is this: Often, drug users talk about how, after being bombarded by frightening images of the worst possible effects of drug use, those internalized messages would actually backfire and have the exact opposite effect of their intention when they ended up trying illegal drugs for the first time. When none of the doomsday predictions come true after their first few times, users are left questioning the accuracy of all of the narratives they’d been given about drugs—including important ones about actual potential dangers.

Eleanor: They do all these anti-drug campaigns, and then you like, smoke weed for the first time. And then you’re like, oh it wasn’t even bad, and you’re like, OK now they’re lying.

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Because “You’ll probably dance a lot, hug all your friends and then maybe have a light headache in the morning” isn’t going to terrify the youth.

The only narratives about drug use offered in an educational context are negative and completely over-the-top. When these narratives fail to prevent use, they’re promptly rejected as incongruent with the actual, real experience of being high. A lot of people are underwhelmed, even, after all the drama and hype around illegal drugs. (Fun fact: Your odds of seeing flying purple elephants on a starter dose of magic mushrooms are pretty low.)

Bobby is a 30-year-old raver from Toronto with an impeccable memory and a sweet disposition. He told me about how, when he was just starting to explore the scene, the stigma he had associated with drug users due to educational scare tactics was challenged when he found out that a good friend of his used illegal drugs. This change in perspective in turn caused him to decide to try them himself.

Bobby: I thought about it for a while before I decided to actually do it. And really the main reason I did it was, my best friend at the time—who I went to high school with and spent most of my time around at that time—him and I started going out, he kind of pulled me into the club scene with him. And then, I didn’t even realize it at the time until after a few months, I somehow found out that he’d been doing ecstasy the whole time and I never even knew about it.

In coming to learn that, that’s when I realized, oh okay, maybe drugs aren’t so bad and evil like I was taught, you know. Like as a kid, that’s what we were all taught. I expected this big change in someone and they’d just turn into this person, you know, this evil person, and I didn’t see that, so I was actually kind of shocked and surprised, like really? I didn’t believe him, and he said ‘yeah, I’m on it right now’. And I said oh, okay, well, what does it feel like? And he started telling me more, and I guess gears started turning in my head, and I got curious about it.

And I did a bit of reading and stuff, you know, I Googled it, just to learn some more information, in order to make an informed decision, I guess. So then, yeah, on New Year’s I decided that would be the first time to do it, I waited long enough. So that was the first street drug that I took.

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Drug negativity and sex negativity all in one fear-mongering package! Two stigmas for the price of one!

However, from I think age 14 or 15 I was medicated with Ritalin and then Concerta and then Dexedrine. So I guess I had already established some sort of ongoing drug usage.2

But then, what is there to replace those scary life-ruining narratives with? If they’re wrong about pot or ecstasy, what other lies have they told? What else is out there? Curious, bright-eyed little budding drug users are left with nothing to guide them except information from other users and their own personal experimentation. And that’s where problems start. Unchecked experimentation without informed guidelines and boundaries is the main source of bad drug experiences, especially when constrained by access only to unregulated substances (looking at you, prohibition. Man you are just the absolute worst).

Without being armed with any sort of accurate, balanced information about drugs, safe usage or harm reduction, inquisitive experimenters are left to find out for themselves about harms and benefits, relying on their peers and on their own process of trial-and-error to discover a more rounded picture of the world of psychoactive substances. And since not everyone knows about Erowid, you can imagine what kind of ridiculously preventable crap can happen when ‘figuring it out as you go along’ is how it’s done. “Oops, okay, so apparently you shouldn’t re-dose GHB if it’s been less than an hour since your first dose. Too bad I found that out the hard way, by puking on my friend’s shoes and passing out in the middle of a Bassnectar concert. Would have been nice to know beforehand.”

This trial-and-error is a process that often causes damages that could have been be easily avoided had they had access to balanced information about drugs in the first place, framed by a critical-thinking orientation and informed by attention paid to all aspects of drugs’ place in human life: good, bad and neutral. It also—this is where we get into the really controversial stuff—might be preventing a lot of people from experiencing significant benefits from some drugs, especially psychedelics and MDMA.

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Don’t do drugs, k gotcha. I can still get wasted on jager though, right? Alcohol’s not a drug.

Scare tactics might prevent some teenagers from trying psychoactive substances, but they leave those who do end up trying them woefully unprepared. Sound familiar? It’s because we’ve already accepted that abstinence-only education is a gigantic, steaming pile of failure when it comes to sex. Sex is an unavoidable part of life, teenagers included, despite what the puritans would like to believe. But guess what–today, right now, in our culture, drugs are an unavoidable part of life too. The odds are extremely good that you’re under the influence of a drug right now. My guess would be caffeine, especially if it’s morning when you’re reading this. Maybe it’s the evening, and you were sipping a glass of wine as you scrolled around Facebook and saw this post. Only you know what’s in your medicine cabinet. Drugs are such a normal part of life that we barely even remember the fact that most of us take them all the time.

Ignoring this fact is either a significant oversight in health education, or a conscious choice to leave those dirty, deviant experimenters who are curious about drugs to fend for themselves. This might make sense, in some cold, heartless neoliberal way, if human beings didn’t have a pretty clear universal desire to both alter our consciousness and experience pleasure. Either we find a way to get rid of that desire (HAH), or we need to acknowledge reality and have a conversation about what to do next.

“The reluctance to acknowledge research findings which show that experimental drug use is a normal part of adolescent development and that it may in fact improve psychological health, prevents genuine reform of abstinence-based drug education” (Keane 2003:229).

Is it time for education based on moderation and information, then, instead of prohibition and abstinence? This is the stance that public education in Canada takes on sex education, and we know it works far better than abstinence-only education. The idea of allowing young people to make their own, even informed, choices about their bodies is one that doesn’t sit well with many policymakers or parents. It makes them grimace and squirm and protest. However, the fact is that these choices are being made by young people regardless of the lack of information they have to making those choices with. The current strategy of leaving youth uninformed or even deliberately misinformed in the hopes that they abstain from drugs (many of which aren’t even harmful unless they’re consumed improperly) is, quite frankly, immoral.

Let’s treat teenagers with some respect, instead of thinking that lying to them is going to protect them from the world.

Please share this, or start a conversation, with anyone you know who is reasonable enough to accept that abstinence-only sex education doesn’t work, but might not have realized that about drug education too.


If you like my writing, please consider supporting me on Patreon, or sending some diapers for my baby from my Amazon list 🙂 I’m a low-income grad student and new mom trying to fight against the devastation of the Drug War—every little bit helps.

Find me on Twitter ranting about drug policy, criminal justice reform, anti-capitalism, psychedelics and anthropology: @HilaryAgro


1 A longer interview excerpt from that story, because it’s hilarious:

Brad: My parents were rock and rollers. My rebellion was spreadsheets, computers and math, and you know, getting a job.
Hilary: [Laughs]
Brad: I got a mortgage at 21, and I didn’t even have a beer until I was 30.
Hilary: Were your parents disappointed?
Brad: They were really disappointed. They genuinely were like, “Brad we’re really worried about you, you’re not gonna try drugs?”
Hilary: [Laughing] Seriously?
Brad: Yeah. And that’s because I was on the path to becoming a miserable square. Like, didn’t live. Didn’t party. Didn’t have fun. And that’s, I mean, I was a workaholic, through my twenties. That’s all I did. So I’m kind of going through my twenties now. Kind of backwards.

2 Note that Bobby’s last comment is a great example of the legal/illegal conflation of what is or is not considered a ‘drug’.

 

The intangible narcotic: What does ‘vibe’ mean, really?

There’s a term that comes up pretty frequently when talking about electronic music events. A search within my interviews (excepts from which are quoted here) and field notes found it mentioned 88 times. Everyone knows what it means, but no one knows exactly how to define it.

Daniel: Vibe is almost a different narcotic of its own. Vibe is… it’s intangible, you can’t touch it, you can only feel it, sense it.

It’s a word I found myself using and implicitly understanding long before I began to think about what it really means. The vibe of, or at, an event can be all levels and qualifiers of ‘great’ and ‘amazing’, or it can be chill, or it can be strange, aggressive, sketchy, even hostile. (Yeah I know. Describing this explicitly is awkward already. Bear with me, we’ll wince together.)

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On the dance floor people move from one area to another, soaking up as many different sensations and feelings as they can. I say sensations because each area has its own vibe, or energy, that can be felt. Participants have described this vibe primarily as a subtle form of communication among people. It is both body language and an intangible energy that is given off by people and can be felt by others. – Brian Rill (2010)

As usual when I’m trying to unpack terms we all take for granted in the rave scene, I feel a little silly doing it. (Trying to define, in academic language, what exactly a ‘bro’ is was one of the funniest things I’ve had to do while writing up my research.) Pulling apart the concept of ‘vibe’ felt like deconstructing a joke – talking about it explicitly ruins what makes it special; its very existence is made of an implicit shared understanding of a subjective experience. The word started to lose all meaning, as it will soon for you if you keep reading this post.

But there was still something bugging me. Some important meaning hidden in the way people talk about it. It seems trivial, but it turns out that the vibe of an event indexes much more than it would appear.

Hilary: So you say the crowd is really important to you. Can you describe the kind of vibe that you enjoy?
Mandy: Um… Open-minded. Uh, I like weird people. [Laughs] Like, a diverse crowd, I think. I can tell when people are there for something other than the music. And then it kind of just ruins, like, the vibe.

Steven: All the frat boys were showing up and pissing on the trees, and it was just not the right community or vibe anymore.

Ali: You get a certain vibe when you go into places. Like, I don’t know, I’m a very intuitive person, I feel like I read people well, and I just know whether I’m like, in a safe place or not. [Laughs] It sounds so corny, but it’s true.

Veld 2015 (219)

What are the things that affect the vibe of an event? The décor, the lighting, the music, the attitude of the staff members (especially security), the size of the event, the theme (if any), the type of clothes people are wearing, the time of day or night, the type of drugs being consumed, and the age of attendees. But dwarfing all of these factors in its impact on the vibe is one key element. Pinpointing and exploring this element became an important focus of my research, as it underlies one of the main problems at raves, particularly the mainstream ones that young and inexperienced people are more likely to attend.

The first event I attended where the overall negative vibe began to stray into very uncomfortable territory due to this particular factor occurred late in July, and it’s a story which incidentally includes some good illustrations of harm reduction in practice. My partner Diego, our good friend Jake and I were at a techno event. Jake had taken three hits of acid, which had made him unusually chatty, though he was also feeling self-conscious and not fully able to articulate his thoughts.

“I’m going to rely on you guys tonight, ok? You’re my guides,” he told Diego and I. I told him he seemed to be keeping it together pretty well. “I have no baseline for what would be considered keeping it together right now,” he responded. I laughed and told him he was doing fine, trying to make sure he felt he had a basis of support for his trip.

The place was still pretty empty. Two girls were sitting on some flat leather seating around a low table in one of the corners. Since there was plenty of room, and my legs were still sore from an event the night before, I went to sit down. The girls whispered to each other and stared at me. I ignored them, but suspecting what was going on, gave them the courtesy of exaggeratedly rubbing my knees and back for effect. Finally one of them walked over.

“This is a private booth,” she said.2015-06-14 00.13.17

“Oh,” I responded, looking at the empty seats. I briefly considered playing dumb and making her spell it out even more for me, but decided on being straightforward. “Can I just sit here for a few minutes?”

She looked unhappy, but was too shocked at my shameless impertinence to argue. “I guess so.”

I could tell she wasn’t going to be able to enjoy herself until I left. Diego, highly unimpressed with her attitude, told me to take as much time as I needed. Her indignance made me think about the purely relative basis of wealth and status. How could she enjoy the exclusivity of having paid for a private booth if it was no longer private? A bottle-service booth so empty that non-VIPs could accidentally wander in and sit down throws the arbitrary and pretentious nature of these booths in their occupants’ face and devalues the experience completely. Despite feeling bad for the type of person whose feathers could become so ruffled at such an absurdist challenge to their power, my own distaste for being asked to leave an empty seat that could fit five people kept me in place. Wanting very different things from the same event, we were both clear examples of ruining the vibe for one another, for very different reasons.

After a few minutes—enough time to preserve my Marxist dignity without causing her glares of annoyance to turn into sad, sad rage—we went to dance. The music was excellent, but I could already tell that the general feeling of this event was not to my taste. I found that I could not face the DJ, as a blinding strobe light was positioned directly above his head. All I could hear was the incredibly loud bass, which is apparently an acquired taste, as I frequently disagree with my musical connoiseur friends Brad and Daniel on the value of being able to hear anything but said bass. The smoke machine was so intense and the venue so small that when I opened the door to the bathroom I actually wondered if there was a separate smoke machine in there as well. Regardless, none of these factors were all that bad, and the venue was unique, so it seemed worth staying.

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With all this stimulation, however, Jake began to feel somewhat overwhelmed. I took him outside for some air and gave him a water bottle that I’d been filling up in the bathroom. I went back inside and wrote down in my fieldnotes to “Google ‘smoke machine toxicity’” which made me laugh at how inadequate the conception of ‘risk’ in the rave scene really is, as I’m considered to be a risk taker. Soon, however, I felt a tap on my shoulder. Jake had returned, looking anxious. He asked me to come help him outside.

In the smoking area, I found out that two young men were accusing him of drugging their friend, who I’ll call Pale Sweat-Face. Seeing that Pale Sweat-Face looked sweaty and pale, Jake had offered him some of the water I’d given him, which they were convinced for some reason contained GHB as well. Apparently, Jake, in his acid-influenced reasoning that communication barriers were all that stood in the way of understanding, reconciliation and friendship, had tried to use meticulous honesty and tell them that since the water had been out of his possession for a few minutes while I filled it up in the bathroom, he couldn’t technically guarantee there was nothing in it, but that he trusted the person who filled it up. I swore to them that it was just water, and that of course none of us would give someone GHB without knowing. I could feel the eyes of the security guard watching us. Pale Sweat-Face had clearly taken something; he looked disoriented and woozy. I was more concerned about Jake, however; this type of conflict can easily set off a bad trip for a person on psychedelics. I knew Jake fairly well and had seen him handle LSD capably before, but three hits is a sizeable amount for anyone, and bad trips can be a terrifying experience.

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I couldn’t place something about the attitude of the young men, however. I couldn’t tell if they were accusing us because they actually thought we did it, or because they were choosing to be intentionally antagonistic and argumentative, something I’d rarely seen in the rave scene but have definitely witnessed from intoxicated men and women many times at ‘regular’ bars. When I realised the latter might be the case, I stopped trying to convince them we’d done nothing, grabbed Jake and went back inside.

We attempted to shake off the unpleasantness by dancing. We reassured a frazzled Jake, still peaking on LSD, that he’d done nothing wrong; he was just trying to be nice and share water with someone who looked like they needed it. He shook his head and gave me a hug. “Reality is so complicated right now,” he muttered.

We were just starting to enjoy ourselves again when a tall blonde man in his early twenties approached me. “Do you want to dance?” He placed his hand on the small of my back.

Being a woman in the rave scene, I had quickly become adept at conveying the body language of thanks, that’s enough, and that is all the interaction we will be having tonight. It is an essential skill and one that all women who participate in nightlife develop in some way. Fending off unwanted advances is unfortunately a standard part and parcel of the experience of women at many of these events. When body language fails, things get even more awkward and you’re forced to try words instead. Words are tough when you’re socialized to never be direct and assertive, though, so these little messy situations happen neverendingly, and they always suck.

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I began to run through the familiar rolodex of conflicting emotional responses to the blonde guy’s question. The heart of the conflict, which most women are intimately familiar with and which is being challenged in contemporary feminist activism, is the perceived need to be gentle in declining a man’s advances, and appreciative of their supposed inherently complimentary nature. How do I say no without being rude? It’s an exhausting and ridiculous question women find themselves asking over and over. We should be asking an entirely different one, but I won’t get into that right now.

“Sure, if you’re ok that my husband is right there,” is what I chose to respond to the blonde guy. The idea behind this approach was that, in the unlikely case that he still didn’t lose interest upon hearing this, it would indicate that he was genuinely just interested in dancing briefly and nothing more, which would be fine.

But Jake and Diego were already intervening on my behalf. Diego put his arm around me and Jake asked the man to back off. Knowing them, I am sure this kind of overprotectiveness would not have happened if we had not already felt an aggressive, unwelcome vibe from the event. I talk to strangers all the time at these things, I am doing research after all. But the whole situation, it seemed, just smelled wrong to them. We hadn’t been meeting friendly, smiling, open people at this place. Why should this person be any different?

Yet I felt no better for not being allowed to deal with the situation on my own. When I told them this, Jake mused reflectively about his instinctive drive to intervene. “Maybe I’m more protective of you because you’re like one of my herd.”

The whole thing felt gross. We eventually decided that the music was not good enough to make up for the aggressive vibe of the event, and decided to go to the after-hours club to keep dancing and attempt to salvage the night (and Jake’s trip). As we turned the corner outside on the street, we saw a group of four young men. One was the blonde who had asked me to dance. The other three were the same men with the ambiguously aloof and hostile attitudes who had sent Jake’s trip spiraling into a bad direction by accusing him of giving one of them GHB. Things clicked into place. I hadn’t even realised they were in the same group. They’d apparently been kicked out because of their friend’s drugged-out behaviour.

Despite having had more than enough of all four of them, I couldn’t fight the mama hen instinct in me to check on Pale Sweat-Face and make sure he’d be OK. I tried to convince them once more that I hadn’t put GHB in the water by showing them one of the business cards I made to give to people interested in my research. “I work in harm reduction, I’m the last person who would drug someone.”

One guy examined my card and looked up at me. “You’re not just being a bitch right now?”

We left.

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The real heart of the ‘vibe’ at an event isn’t the decor, or the venue, or the age of the attendees. Though of course it’s not the only factor (which I hope was made clear by the above narrative), by far the most important one seems to simply be the reason why the men are there. Are they there to dance and enjoy the music, or are they there for basically any other reason? If it’s the latter, it’s going to end up fucking up the night for some or all of the poor kiddos who just want to dance.

Vibe is basically summed up in how the men at an event behave. Towards each other, but particularly, of course (sigh) towards women. Either way, if people don’t feel safe, they won’t have fun. And the only real dangers at raves come not from something inherent in drug use, or from a risk of fires or some bullshit (looking at you, Toronto FD, couldja stop?), but from the unpredictable and self-reinforcing behaviour of some men.

There’s a dance version of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (can we call it Agro’s hierarchy of rave needs? Cause I would totally love that to be my legacy), and not worrying about walking piles of aggression when you’re trying to party is right at the bottom. It’s foundational. Talking to people all along the gender spectrum, and digging into their thoughts about the vibe at their favourite (and least favourite) events, it became clear that the comfort and safety of women is the key factor that determines everything else. Right above safety is a lack of judgement from other people. We’re all at these things to get away from the constant social judgements we receive on a daily basis for being the weirdos we are, and play with the arbitrary rules and boundaries about what to wear, say and do that we’re forced to follow in everyday life. When people say, “the vibe of that place is awesome”, what they’re really saying is, “I’m a woman and nobody grinded their dick into my hip at that place even though I was wearing only my bra” and “I’m a guy and I felt like I could hug my male friends without getting hit by a stinky wave of judgemental testosterone from those unsmiling dudes in flat-brimmed hats in the corner”.

Ahhh, bros.

Happy International Women’s Day.

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As always, names have been changed and if you think I’m right, wrong or completely full of shit, feel free to let me know.


If you like my writing, please consider supporting me on Patreon, or sending some diapers for my baby from my Amazon list 🙂 I’m a low-income grad student and new mom trying to fight against the devastation of the Drug War—every little bit helps.

Find me on Twitter ranting about drug policy, criminal justice reform, anti-capitalism, psychedelics and anthropology: @HilaryAgro

Feelings into words: Harvest Festival Part 2

Read part one here.

Describing, in words, what it’s like to be at a rave is one of the most difficult things I’ve had to do for my research. How can one possibly describe what it feels like to be there, in the moment? The unbounded ego loss, the embodied sensations, the immediacy of the act—by its very nature, the meaning of the experience is lost in any attempt to translate it into text.

It’s as it should be, really. The space in which we live our daily lives is one in which everything we do and see and think is translated into language. Language is the only means we have of shortening the distance between each other, that maddening asymptote at the root of all human conflict and knowledge and love. If coming together to dance is one of the ways we manage to climb out of that mediated space, out of our heads, our worlds constantly defined and categorized and re-defined and re-categorized, over and over—then this liminal experience being impossible to truly put into words is what makes it so special.

But it sure as hell makes it difficult to write a thesis on it.

Crystal 6

So there we were, dancing in the Crystal 6 tent at Harvest Festival. This was it, the culmination of weeks of preparation and hours of driving and money and excitement and hassle and anticipation. Dirty Decibels were on stage, killing it as always, and we lost ourselves in the beat. Our collective movements were punctuated by those delightful, individual moments of weirdness and joy that are unique to these types of gatherings. At one point I discovered that the person whose homemade LED-lined suit I had been admiring earlier in the night was an old friend I’d known since childhood but not seen in a decade. At another point, I tried on a friend’s kaleidoscope glasses, which were so ridiculously intense in that environment that it took me a good few minutes to come back down to earth after the experience.

But mostly, I danced. We danced. Sharing the space, the sound, smiles, water, we vibrated inside a transcendent cloud of music as millions have before us and will long after we’re gone in one long continuum of human experience. Under lasers and smoke and what looked like gigantic pink Fleshlights suspended from the ceiling, we danced.

* * *

After a few hours, the Crash tent began calling my name. I’d been hearing cryptic rumours all day about something extraordinary waiting inside the mythical psytrance tent. Diego, Erica, Dave, Zach and I got into a huddle. We knew that if we didn’t make an effort to check it out now, we risked getting stuck in the dancing equivalent of an ass-groove on the couch and never leaving Crystal 6 at all. So, like toddlers about to play in the snow, we bundled and layered up for the cold trek down the hill.

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Moving shapes and distractions passed by on either side as, on autopilot, my vision stuck to the familiar pattern of the front-back-side-to-side world of eggshell-white ceilings and hallways. By chance, though, I looked up. And the sky exploded above me.

My breath caught in the cold air as we all stopped to stare up at the magnificent cathedral of stars that the city hides from us year-round. Here was yet another one of those indescribably magical moments where my communication medium of choice can do nothing but yield to the power of my second favourite, photos. But of course, photos need to be captured in the moment. And it was too cold for that. So, resolving to postpone serious photographic exploration until next year, on we went.

If the sum of the earth’s beauty is a double sided coin of the greatest treasures that both nature and humanity have to offer (under, of course, the debateable assumption that these are separate spheres), stepping into the Crash tent after that natural display was like getting immediately punched in the face by the other side of the coin. I mean, holy shit.

I spotted my friend Daniel, who stood a head above everyone else. He was not surprised by my flabbergasted reaction. “People walk into this tent and are either blown away and fall in love, or look as if they just witnessed a horrific beating,” he told me with a grin. “There’s not a lot of reactions in between.”

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Psytrance Squid had a fun time at the glowstick factory.

We got lost in a time vortex. I spent an unknowable amount of time staring at the wall of meticulously crafted string art alone. This was the most ridiculous place I’d ever been inside. Blacklights and artwork and some sort of enormous alien vortex hanging above us that looked like a giant squid broke into a glowstick factory owned by Timothy Leary. The five of us who went in thought we’d be there for just a couple minutes. But we couldn’t look away. We staggered out 45 minutes later still unable to entirely comprehend what we just saw. We walked back up the hill, carrying the fortunes from cookies we’d been given by a random stranger, and blinking through the neon shine leftover in our fields of vision.

Then, just because, Aurora fucking Borealis happened. Out of nowhere. In the sky. So, there was that.

I mean, you can’t make this stuff up.

* * *

We decided it was high time to finally head to the Pyramid. Bundling up once more, we wove our way out past the ping-pong table and ran into Bobby, a friend who works on the sound crew. He was carrying a shovel and looked exhausted but cheerful. “I’ve been digging trenches for power cables for the past two hours,” he sighed, wiping his forehead. Of course we hadn’t even noticed the hardworking people in the background of the event, making sure everything went smoothly. We just took for granted that everything seemed to magically work out. I gave him a hug and thanked him for doing what he did.

“This is a world-class festival,” said Zach, as we looked out over the multicoloured river. “Justin is a visionary.”

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Afterwards, I talked to Daniel, one of my go-to people for answers to complex questions about the scene in Toronto, about how on earth a thing like this exists. “I could literally talk for hours about what makes that event so special and spectacular,” he told me. “But it boils down to this: incredible achievements are possible if nobody is trying to take credit for them.”

I’d still like to hear more about WHY they do it,” I asked him. I thought about the other, bigger, more commercial festivals I’d been to. “It seems obvious of course, but it’s really pretty amazing to resist the temptation to allow monetization to just chip away at the thing.”

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to understand the ‘why’ you speak of—it is there, and not something easily explained in a few words,” he replied. “But it is a ‘why’ that speaks to the inherent good that is possible with humans if we accept that each of us mean well, but have weaknesses that we are both honest to others about and, more importantly, with ourselves about.”

“It seems so difficult to really not be cynical about it. It feels too good to be true,” I admitted to him. “We’re like wounded puppies that have been beaten so much by unbridled consumerism and the invisible hand of the market that we don’t recognize the warm, loving hand of actual, no-fine-print-or-hidden-catches human positivity.”

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“I’ve told the organizers of Breakandenter and Boxofkittens, Harvest Festival, Justin, who continues to be a good friend to this day, and Bobby who now works for him, Dave, Irving, this whole circle of organizers—guys, I’m a better human being as a result of what you’ve done.”

* * *

At the Pyramid, finally, I had my first experience hearing a well-known DJ named Medicineman, and his (along with Dirty Decibels) was my favourite set of the weekend. It blew me away and kept me dancing despite the creeping fatigue setting in. Still, the frequency of breaks I was needing to be able to keep going was steadily increasing. The Crystal 6 tent where we’d spent most of our time did not have any seating—the one thing I would have changed about the setup—a fact which I was feeling in my legs hours later. At one point I sat down on a leather couch next to a man in a steampunk outfit. The smile I gave him turned to a frown of deep, deep disappointment as I realised that I’d sat down squarely in a freezing cold puddle of water. But it all worked out, as his sympathy turned into a long conversation about salsa dancing—he was an instructor—and relationships.

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I went outside and watched the sun come up as I peed on the grass at the edge of some trees, revelling in the glory of not using a portapotty, one of life’s little joys. As the last of our dance-generated body warmth began to fade, we finally gathered up our things and went back to the tent to add more layers on before the final leg of the journey—one last trip to the Screaming Heads.

Leaning up against the monument in the weak, misty sunlight, I reflected on all the tiny little moments that come together to make a weekend like this so unforgettable. Sharing a chat over the fire of a warming barrel. Seeing the joy on someone else’s face and feeling it through them. Saying you wish you had something and the other person has it on them at exactly that moment. Or telling someone you need something and they end up going way out of their way to get it for you (thanks for the batteries, Brad). Sharing a pee in the woods with a stranger, squatting and bonding. Walking by dozens, hundreds of unique, fascinating individuals, who each one you could spend a lifetime getting to know and it wouldn’t be enough—like the most contented-looking man in history stroking a fox-fur around his shoulders, or the guy in the purple wig and “Peanut-Free Elephant” sign—the many strangers-turned-friends you end up recognizing at events all the time. The Wizard making you sing Bird is the Word as you cross the river. (It didn’t work out very well but it was funny.) Shared water at just the right moment. Surprise hugs from behind. Exchanging smiles with a stranger who you know, as far as it is possible to know the inside of another person’s experience, is feeling the same way you are.

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Photo Credit: Cory Richardson.

That moment in your tent when your head finally hits the balled-up sweater that is your pillow, and all you can do is dream, wide awake, as reality converges on half-asleep fantasies and you drift blissfully in between, not caring about sleep because when life is that sweet you can’t tell the difference, and it doesn’t matter.

* * *

There was a beautiful five-second period between when I woke up and when the morning tent-sweats hit me. Had we been teleported to the surface of Mercury? No, the sun had just turned our tent into an orange dome of FIRE.

I staggered out, opened the cooler and began stuffing my face with grapes. I overheard a conversation just ahead of me that I was intrigued by, and wandered over to join in. It was indeed a very fascinating conversation. And I would very much love to tell you about it. However, I can’t. I can’t talk about something which is an integral part of the experience of these precious spaces for many people. Because no matter how looming or far away it seems from moment to moment, we live under the constant threat of having everything taken away from us due to stigma- and fear-based legislation and moral scapegoating.

And it makes me angry. It should make you angry too. This bullshit needs to end.

My conversation with this intelligent, fascinating person eventually turned, somehow (ahem, so weird how this happens when I’m around), to the topic of capitalism and wealth disparity. Floating on a cloud of unshakeable post-dancing contentment as I was, I think it was the first time that I’ve been able to calmly converse with someone who believes that “Having ten times more stuff comes from doing ten times more stuff,” and “wealth comes from adding value to the world”, while maintaining a straight face and completely open mind. Maybe money does make you a better person. Maybe you can save the fucking spotted owl with money. Who knows. Anything is possible.

Cough.

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Diego and I decided to go for a quick walk around. We followed the sound of raucous music coming from the Pyramid and ended up at the ferry. A few naked bodies were swimming in the water, and I wished I had the energy to join them. I knew it would feel good, but that first two-second shock was enough to keep me from jumping in. Two of them climbed onto the ferry as we crossed. “How’s the water?” I asked.

“Amazing,” beamed the naked woman.

The dripping-wet guy beside her caught my eye and shook his head surreptitiously with a grin. No, it’s freezing, his expression said. I laughed. I was just wondering what the older woman in pastel golf clothes beside me thought of the whole scene, when she jokingly complimented the girl’s butt. So I didn’t dream up this whole magical place, then. It was real, at least for another few precious hours.

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What I did to this sandwich was practically indecent.

We danced to Osunlade’s lovely, unpredictable set with a remarkable amount of unexplained energy. Our “ten-minute walk” turned into two hours of a dusty encore as we enjoyed the first real sun all weekend. At some point I ended up eating a bacon and avocado sandwich that tasted like a thousand rainbows dipped in Thor’s chest sweat, provided by the infamous Charlie Brown. This doesn’t really add anything to the narrative, I just think you should know how good that sandwich was.

As we made our way onto a small hill to survey the crowd, I was fascinated by a girl in mushroom-patterned socks and a straw hat with tiny sunflowers who was simultaneously walking, dancing, drinking a beer, and hooping at the same time. I complimented her when she arrived near us, and she told me about what discovering hula hooping had done for her.

“Hooping is my centre, my meditation, my connection with the universe, where I find myself,” she smiled. “If I feel a negative thought coming, I lose focus and drop it,” she gestured to the hoop. “So it just keeps me centred.”

As I watched people dance and talk and laugh, I tried to spot figures I recognized in the crowd. I thought about the two uncomfortable-looking bro’s I’d spotted the first night who looked like they were utterly bemused at how all their high school bullying victims had managed to all gather together in one place. I smiled, imagining their transformation over the weekend as they become one of us. Swallowed up and neutralized by the hippies, like white blood cells converging in.

I popped the last of my sandwich into my mouth and we began to make our way home.

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 * * *

I like life. A lot. I didn’t use to. But knowing what it feels like to not enjoy life, and having climbed all those hills and won all those battles, I now try to wring as much joy out of it as I possibly can. This has ended up with me sometimes getting a little too excited about the things I get excited about. I’m used to friends rolling their eyes at me and taking my enthusiastic recommendations with a grain of salt. I don’t really care, because fuck it, if I want to have 50 number-one-absolute-most-favourite songs, I will. If I have several best friends, it’s not because I can’t pick, it’s because they’re all the single best people I’ve ever met. Yes, this show will change your life. Yes, that massage was the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. Yes, this cheese is making me reevaluate all my life choices and dearest belief systems in the attempt to reconcile its very existence. Yeah I know it’s from Costco. Doesn’t matter.

The thing is, when you live your life in constant hyperbole like this, even if it’s based on a deep, ineffable appreciation for all that humanity has to offer, it really screws you over when something like Harvest comes around. You’ve used up all your words and there are none left that really do it justice.

But sometimes, even if you want so badly to be able to turn it into words and make sense of it, a feeling is good enough on its own.

“Drugs are bad,” he said, sipping his beer: Legality vs. social acceptability

I’ve found it highly interesting to hear drug users trash talk other drugs, even while they’re high on their own preferred substance. Gina* thinks that alcohol is the worst drug around, and only smokes pot. Albert drinks, and takes MDMA or coke whenever it’s offered, but he shakes his head when he sees his friends smoking cigarettes. They both think GHB is for idiots, and neither of them, of course, thinks that a drug’s legality has anything to do with its acceptability.

Judging other users doesn’t inherently make you a hypocrite, because not all drugs are created equal–I myself think crack is incredibly destructive and that weed is practically harmless, even though I don’t use either. But the opinions are just so strong on all sides that, just for fun (oh yes, this is indeed my idea of fun), I created a visual expression of the general spectrum of legal/illegal, acceptable/unacceptable drugs based on my interviews and fieldwork in the Toronto rave scene:

Perceptions of the social acceptability of party drugs versus their legality

Subjective perceptions of the social acceptability of party drugs versus their legality. (Click to embiggen.)

Having ecstasy, LSD, marijuana (for now), or cocaine on your person can get you thrown in jail. Alcohol, caffeine, and tobacco, you can consume to your little adult heart’s content. However, these drugs’ legal status doesn’t reflect how people view them in terms of their perceived morality.

There are ‘moral’, socially acceptable or legitimate, drugs, and there are immoral/unacceptable/illegitimate drugs. While many in the mainstream accept the status quo of conflating a drug’s legality with its acceptabilityI never get tired of hearing a drunk person say “I don’t use drugs!”, it kills me every timemost people and groups have their own personal categorizations of what substances are acceptable or unacceptable to consume. In particular, to those who choose to use both legal and illegal drugs, a drug’s morality by no means correlates with its legality. Just ask Gina and Albert.*

The reasons behind deeming a drug as socially or morally acceptable are complex, but they most often involve a combination of personal experience, family/peer group/media influence, perception of addictive potential, and cost/benefit analysis in terms of harms and pleasures. Right now I could still make a different graph for different age groups, levels of user experience, and what people say vs. what their behaviour actually indicates. I know that every single person has a different version of this in their own head, but I’m curious about what this graph would generally look like for where you live. Where would these drugs fall on the spectrum for your social group or city? Have you noticed differences based on music sub-genres?

Note: Check out the interesting discussion of this post on reddit, where I find out that I’m wrong about nitrous’ legal status, and also have to explain the concepts of subjectivity and perspective about fifty times.

Not my image. Google gave it to me. How duz I copyright law.Some notes:

  • This chart is a rough first version – it still needs some adjusting. (Well, it doesn’t need anything because it doesn’t even need to exist. But still.) But more importantly, my research is ethnographic, not scientific; this is all very unofficial, I just did it for fun and to help visualize a theme I’m working on.
  • Corrections: The “level of abuse potential” should say perceived level of abuse potential. Also, nitrous is not illegal in Canada.
  • The bottom left I have affectionately termed the “Boogeyman Corner” because those drugs are ironically still subject to the same stigma that, in the mainstream, equally affects these ravers’ preferred drugs.
  • Obviously, everything in existence has abuse potential, including all of these drugs. I took that fact as given when assigning levels of abuse potential as it would be pointless for every single one to have a lightning bolt.
  • The “legal” axis is less strictly defined. I sort of put things there based not only on whether or not they’re legal (which is a yes or no question) but on how restricted their use is, how close they are to potentially being legalized in the future, the degree of care I see people using to hide their use of each drug, the fear of potential law enforcement from users of each one, etc. Things like prescription drugs are hard to place because they’re technically legal but used recreationally (and thus illegally) by people at events. They should probably be on the illegal side but whatever.
  • So many different drugs fit into the Reseach Chemicals (RCs) category that it’s just a can of worms I didn’t feel like opening. Hence the generalized categorizations.
  • Most ravers have little or no experience with opiates, since they’re the least compatible with the main point of electronic music events, which is dancing.
  • The social acceptability of many of these (note the ones with a *) is context-dependent and very ambiguous (which makes them extra interesting!):
    • Alcohol, for example, tends to be the one that people both criticize and consume most frequently. It’s especially criticized in comparison to other recreational drugs, but still used more frequently than any other, mainly due to a) its wide availability and legal status, and b) the ability to easily and progressively manage dosage.
    • Cocaine is similarly badmouthed by some and loved by others (sometimes both at once from the same person). I could maybe even switch its place with ketamine.
    • GHB is very context-dependent in that it’s the drug that causes the most frequent overdoses, so people use the derogatory term “G’ed out” a lot, but using it responsibly is acceptable.
    • Mushrooms are considered perfectly acceptable in general, but most people say they wouldn’t feel comfortable using them at crowded music events.

*Gina and Albert are aggregate people I just invented to make a point. But they definitely represent the opinions of real people I’ve met.


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Find me on Twitter ranting about drug policy, criminal justice reform, anti-capitalism, psychedelics and anthropology: @HilaryAgro